ChristianMilitaryWives

I came across the following topic on Massachusetts General Hospital’s forums. It was well written and very helpful information for all parents, but especially children of military members as they may be more sensitive to war related news.

 

Talking with Children about Upsetting News Events

Comments from: Paula K. Rauch, MD and colleagues from the MassGeneral Hospital for Children

EXCERPT

Dr. Rauch is a child psychiatrist who leads the Marjorie E. Korff PACT (Parenting At a Challenging Time) Program at the Massachusetts General Hospital Cancer Center. www.mghpact.org

All children are exposed to news via newspapers, radio, the Internet, and especially television. And they naturally turn to their parents with questions about what they have seen and heard. For a child whose family is impacted by the earthquake in Haiti, news about the tragedy can raise concerns about their own family’s safety. Discussing these issues poses a special challenge for parents to listen, understand, and answer their children’s questions in a manner that is both honest and reassuring. Meeting this challenge successfully strengthens your child’s inner strength, sense of security, and trust in you.

First, you know your child best. You have likely been through good time and stressful times before. How your child has reacted in the past is often a good predictor for how he or she will cope with new challenges. Think about what has been helpful for your child previously, and use these successful strategies from the past. Most children will benefit from maintaining regular routines, including daily schedules and normal expectations for schoolwork. Children will take their emotional cues from the adults in their world. If we are calm usually they will feel secure; however, it is important to talk to your child about his or her specific concerns.

Second, check in with your child. Find out what he or she has been hearing, seeing and thinking about a new event or whether it has not yet come to his or her attention. Questions such as, “Are kids at school talking about __________?” or, “ What have you heard about __________?” are good ways to open such a conversation. If your child is younger and is not aware of the news, you may elect to go no further with this conversation. If your child has heard about the news event, encourage him or her to tell you about what they’ve heard or what they think about what others are saying. Ask if they have any specific worries. To answer questions and allay fears, it is important to really understand what your child is struggling with before you move to answer or reassure him.

Third, TV images can be upsetting. Turn off the TV around young children or those who may have been upset by TV news in the past. Be mindful that coverage of the same earthquake over and over again can be misinterpreted as something that is happening repeatedly. Watch television with older children so you can answer questions and be aware of their feelings. Some older children need to be reminded that the TV images can be overwhelming and that it’s OK not to watch. This is true for many adults, who may feel better listening to radio reports or reading newspaper coverage rather than watching disturbing TV images.

Fourth, make the most of family time. Spend extra time with your children. Turn off the telephone and the TV during meals so you can talk together. Often parents can identify times in the day or activities that facilitate thoughtful conversations. Sometimes, it is while driving in the car or when a child sits with a parent who is working in the kitchen. Those are great times to check in with your child and talk. CLICK TO READ MORE

FYI! From Armylive.dod I will be printing the full reoport and will write up an article about it in detail next week. 

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Impact of Multiple Deployments on Children

The new reality of repetitive deployments has led to innovative programs and policies designed to assist military children in dealing with the difficulties of deployments.  Initiatives—ranging from “flat daddies” replacing deployed soldiers at the dinner table, to senior leaders ceremoniously signing the Army Family Covenant at installations across the world, to the First Lady proposing nearly $9 billion to support military families—point to the growing concern that multiple deployments may be as stressful to Army children as they are to soldiers.  Despite the increased attention and seemingly endless resources directed at children in deployed families, however, there has been very little research examining the effects of multiple deployments on children.

In March of 2009, Leonard Wong and Stephen Gerras from the U.S. Army War College began a two-phase study to examine the effects of multiple deployments on Army adolescents.  The first phase, collected through an online survey, evaluated the perspectives of over 2,000 soldiers, 700 spouses, and 500 Army children between 11 and 17.  The second phase collected the views of over 100 Army adolescents through individual interviews at 8 Army installations throughout the U.S. 

As expected, they found that strong families—to include a non-deployed spouse who coped well with deployments—as well as ample activities such as sports to keep Army youngsters busy serve to reduce stress levels of Army adolescents during a deployment.  Surprisingly, they also found that the attitudes of Army children play a role in dealing with deployment stress and coping with a life of deployments.  Children who believed that soldiers are making a difference in the world and that the American public supported the war were significantly more likely to report that they were coping better with deployments.  The study highlights the often overlooked impact of attitudinal factors such as the influence of public opinion concerning the war and the importance—in a life marked by multiple deployments—of an adolescent’s confidence that their parent’s call to duty is worth the sacrifice.

For a free download of the full study, please visit the US Army War College Strategic Studies Institute website:http://www.strategicstudiesinstitute.army.mil/pubs/display.cfm?pubID=962. 

I just killed a spider the size of China. Ok, so not really, but it sounds dramatic, right?! I mean, there I was minding my own business, chilling out on the couch, when I saw something move out of the corner of my eye. I'm thinking I'm imagining it, because I don't see anything on the rug in the dining room, but I get up to check anyway just because if I don't, I just know I'll wake up to a monstrous snake or something wrapped around my dining table in the morning. SO... I get up, and finally see it: this FREAKY looking spider w/ legs longer than a European super model's and about 1000 beady eyes - and they're all STARING at me. OH Yuck!

SO... I start looking for things to squoosh it with - because of course, I'm barefoot and there's NO WAY I'm getting any closer than 6 feet from this thing - it's like half the size of a dollar bill (aka China Town - hello!) and could launch some kind of ninja counter attack against me at any minute, so I'm running around, afraid to go into the other room because the second I let it out of my sight, I know it will go into hiding and begin plotting against me in the night - SO, then I see it, my 2 year old son's tennis shoe. I pick it up and hurl it at the spider.

FYI: toddler sized shoes for spiders the size of China do not work so well in the squooshing department. This knowledge base was reinforced when I hurled my son's OTHER shoe at it, also missing, but not by enough to keep the creature from getting mad. By this time, the thing was spinning around in a fashion that somewhat reminded me of that all-too-well-known scene from The Exorcist. Then, I saw my saving grace!!!! (Bright, heavenly light shines down; angelic music plays mystically in the background) A box!!!

Thankfully, a friend had mailed a package for the kids the day before and there sat the empty box - it was heavy duty cardboard, solid, firm - and BIG. So, I picked it up, making sure it was sealed closed - I didn't want the spider getting inside and turning it into some kind of hideout or something - and I slowly tiptoed over towards the rug, being careful to stay far enough back so that I can duck for cover if I miss and the freak arachnid decides to go all bad-spiderman on me or something.

I find my pitching position, I aim, and in the fastest slow motion I've ever seen, I throw the box at the spider. It lands on him and bounces off, as I take off running in the opposite direction. YEESSSS!!! I GOT HIM!!! I cautiously make my way back over to the area. I see his somewhat crippled and withered body, crumpled there on my rug, and then, he starts twitching. Yes, I said "twitching".

Now, let me tell you, you just don't know wierd (and gross) until you've seen a spider twitching. I figure the thing is a mutant and will come back to life at any moment, so I pick up the box, careful not to touch the side that landed on him gross!) and use it to push him off of my rug, where I proceed to drown him in a shower of Raid. HAHA! Victory!!! I grab my broom and dust pan, and using the box again, I hold the dust pan in place so I can from a distance sweep his nasty little bug body into it. I would have held it, but spiders are sneaky little creatures - you never know when they're just playing dead. Like I said, "China" - this thing was industrial!

SO... I get him scooped up and dump him in the trash, but the little booger won't fall to the bottom ~ I have to get out my gloves and an empty milk jug, and of course, my good ole' trusty box :o) and use them to mash the trash down so that if that nasty thing does decide to come back to life, he'll have to go through today's supply of dirty diapers to get back to me! Beat THAT creature!!!

Now, here I am, back on the couch, looking around, slightly paranoid, and eyeing that suspicious looking piece of fuzz that keeps floating around the floor on the other side of the room. All I know is, that fuzz better be careful, or I might have to go all cardboard box on its mug!

That is a true story that happened to me a week or so ago. As you can tell, I am slightly afraid of spiders. I always have been. Every time I see a spider, my body just begins to tremble with this intense fear and anxiety, and that fact got me thinking…

All of us have spiders in our lives. Not necessarily literal spiders, but rather “spiders” – things that creep into our lives, sometimes unexpectedly, sometimes unwelcomed, unwanted… Sometimes, those things are frightening, sometimes they are saddening, overwhelming, hurtful. Sometimes they bring anger and frustration, confusion, exhaustion, and then there are even times when the “spiders” that appear in our lives leave us shaken and almost paralyzed from their venom… and for us Military Wives, so many times, those things  - those “spiders – come creeping in during deployments.

During deployments, we are usually physically on our own. We have our jobs/duties, our kids, our homes, our yards, everything – it is all resting on our shoulders. It is up to us to do everything; to keep our world around us going when our spouse is hundreds, or even thousands of miles away from us.

In those times, we often feel alone. Sure, there are days that aren’t so bad, and we do alright, but we’ve all had those moments when we just reach our breaking point. The teenager is acting out again, the house is a mess, the grocery store was packed, the car needs an oil change, the baby is sick, the deadline for your project at work is approaching quicker than you can prepare, your back is aching, your college classes are far more demanding than you could have imagined, the washing machine just broke – again, the dog just ate your favorite pair of shoes, and you haven’t had a moment to yourself in weeks. There is a lot of stress that we all have to deal with on a daily basis, and many times, that “spider” we call stress, can fill us with the venom of tension, bitterness, anger, and resentfulness – IF we let it.

BUT, if we choose to look at things through a new light, we can see how God is using those things to work in us and through us in our everyday lives.

For example, remember my spider incident? Well, God used that to show me that He is faithful and will provide me with the strength and courage needed to accomplish whatever comes up. You see, had my husband been home when that horrid little thing came creeping out, I would have been in hysterics, jumping up onto the couch, hollering for him to come and “rescue me”. However, instead, God chose to wait until I was alone – on my own – at night – hours away from any close friends/family – to bring that spider into my life. God put me in a position where I had to make a choice: I could either be afraid and let the spider paralyze me and just give it free reign in the house, which would leave me in constant fear and paranoia knowing it was there, OR, I could be afraid and trust in the peace that He always gives, and lean on Him to give me the courage I need to “squoosh” the thing. 

I have two young children – a 2 year old and a 1 year old. Our 2 year old son is very close with his Daddy, and he was handling this very long deployment well, up until his Daddy came home for 2 weeks on Leave then had to leave again. Since then, our son has been acting out and showing some extreme signs of separation anxiety. It has been very rough dealing with that, and there have been several moments where I feel as though I have just reached my limit when it comes to patience. There are some days where it’s as though all I do is discipline him, and those days are frustrating for both of us. But, God continually renews my strength, and in those moments when I am at my wits end, and the “spider” just seems to be too big to handle, He brings to mind all of the reasons why I love our son so much…

Also during this deployment, our 1 year old daughter began having seizures. About 4 months ago, at 9 months old, she had the first of about 20 seizures. She has been in and out of the ER, hospitals, doctor’s offices. She has seen/is seeing specialists, and has undergone countless tests trying to figure out why she suddenly developed this condition. So far, all we have is more questions… This has been yet another “spider” – one of the scariest. I have had many moments of just completely breaking down. But, every time, God renews my strength with His. He gives me peace in the anxiety, and He reminds me that His hand is in this. He is in control, even when I don’t understand. When this started, I felt so scared and frustrated, and I wanted so much for my husband to be here because there is just something about having your spouse with you that gives you comfort in difficult situations…

But, instead, my husband was on yet another deployment, and there I was – here I am – frightened, clueless, and on the verge of feeling completely overwhelmed, when God brought my focus back to Him. Throughout the past few months, God has revealed Himself to me in so many ways. He has re-taught me how to rely on Him, rather than on people. He has helped me to grow in so many ways over the past few months: In maturity, in knowledge, and in some ways, understanding. Though I still have SO many questions and such a lack of knowledge regarding so many things, He has given me peace and comfort in knowing that He knows. He has increased my faith SO much.

The list of “spiders” that have come out of the woodwork, just since my husband deployed, is so long it seems like (i.e. The day after he left, the pipes busted in our house and flooded our downstairs; our garage door broke and wouldn’t open/close; my best friend moved away; my closest uncle died from cancer; our daughter began having seizures; our son fell out of an exersaucer and about broke his nose; someone broke into our house while we were home; our town flooded badly – we’re around Atlanta and were in all that flooding that went on in September; I found out I have a [minor] heart condition; ex-girlfriends/boyfriends of my husband’s and mine tried quite forcefully to cause problems within our marriage – unsuccessfully of course; not to mention, the whole “I have spiders in my house” thing, etc…) My point is that, through all of those things, God was there. He was right there with me. He was my encourager, my comfort, my strength. He held my hand through the hard things, and shared my joy through the good. When my heart was heavy, He held me, and showed me that He is there; He cares, and most of all, that He will sustain me. He will get me through.

My husband is the closest person on this earth to me. He is my #1 best friend, my love. But, God… God is my Rock. He is my everything. By using all of these “spiders” in my life, God has taught me that relying on other people will always leave me unfulfilled. There will always be something lacking, and I will always have to deal with disappointment, because even those closest to us, even those who love and care for us deeply, even those who promise to always be there for us… they will let us down. At some point, it will happen because they – we – are only human. Our spouses might promise to always be there, but what happens when they can’t be because of deployments or other duties? Their absence / inability to fulfill their promise can leave us feeling hurt, empty, dissatisfied, etc… but God is ALWAYS there. He never breaks His promises. He always has time for us because we are His most important and most treasured job. (Not that our husbands’ don’t treasure us, but they still cannot always be there). God will never leave us feeling empty or hurt or disappointed because His ways, His plans are far better than we could ever imagine. And, even when things don’t go exactly as we think they should, God will give us peace about it because His Word tells us “For God is not the spirit of fear, but of power of love, and of a sound mind.” He is not the author of confusion. God will always make things clear for us. He will always clearly show us His will, and then once we know what His will is, He allows us to choose whether to go along with it, or to act against it. No matter what we choose, He still loves us unconditionally.

So, the next time you are faced with one of life’s many  “spiders”, try not to let the venom spread throughout your life, and instead, take a moment to step back, look around, and ask God what it is He’s trying to teach you. Pray and ask Him to be the vaccine that will heal you, make you stronger, and help you grow into the person He created you to be.

I love lists. I love to write them, I love to cross them off, and I love to read them. In fact, one of the first things I do whenever I pick up a book for the first time is flip through it and look for lists! They are scannable, usually very practical, and I can tell immediately whether or not the items are applicable to my life.

That's one of the major reasons I fell in love with Sue Augustine's Sanity Secrets for Stressed-Out Women (Harvest House Publishers 2009). Every chapter is full of lists, much to the delight of the time-starved, stressed-out women she is writing to! In fact, every chapter concludes with "Sanity Savers & Survival Hints." a summary in bulleted-list format.

I used one of her lists in a previous post this week. There are other lists for:

• seven truths about stress
• sources of stress
• stress symptoms checklist
• 10 instant relaxers
• 7 quick rechargers
• rational problem solving
• insightful problem solving
• time and scheduling stressors (and how to creatively problem solve!)
• 10 simple rules to take back your life

There's a lot more than that, too. But there's plenty of philosophical wisdom between the nuts-and-bolts practical application lists, too. Take this excerpt from the chapter, "Sanity Secret #8: Rethink Life Balance":

"The truth is that balance without flexibility is stressful and doesn't allow for the detours and surprises God gives us. We live in a crazy, unbalanced world. Our lives are rarely in perfect balance . . .

Still, leading a rich, well-rounded is essential to our sanity, inner peace, and enjoyment of life. In that sense true balance isn't necessarily what you do, but how you view life. . . A [good] way to measure balance is by the activities that leave us energized versus those that drain our energy. It's not a chore if you're washing dishes or making the bed while having meaningful interactions with your spouse. It wouldn't be a bothersome task to drive your kids to the soccer game while catching up on all that's happening in their world. Maybe you're stimulated when working on an article you're submitting to be published or energized by staying up late to prepare a gourmet dish for a dinner party tomorrow evening. Work that is rewarding and allows you to fulfill your true values and highest ideals is great. With that as part of your balance, life is pleasurable, and you'll feel energetic."

Even though I could easily pick and choose which parts of this book I read based on the chapter titles, I'm actually going to read this one all the way through. And for my stage of life, that's just about the highest compliment I can give to any book. Whether you make time to scim, scan or scour this book, I highly recommend adding Sanity Secrets for Stressed-Out Women to your library.

Isaiah 29:16

¹⁶You turn things upside down!Shall the potter be regarded as the clay,that the thing made should say of its maker,

   "He did not make me";
or the thing formed say of him who formed it,
   "He has no understanding"?

(this one is a little older, but I wanted to share it here)

I am not one who can sit still and be idle for very long. It is a good thing usually, but finding constructive and helpful things to occupy my time with can be a challenge. My day is full of active work keeping up with the house and with the kids. Quiet moments are rare, and often when I have them I am writing so I have something to keep my hands busy. I guess I have always been this way. I was the kid in class who constantly tapped a pencil or strummed her fingers across the desk.

When I am stressed I find that my need for activity greatly increases. When I am stressed about something I often work it out in my head while I am busy. I have been known to scrub my floors at midnight. It benefits me more than lying in bed. I just can't think things through as much when I am not physically involved with a task. With age I have found ways to use this to my benefit.

With my husband at Ft. Benning,  and my oldest son deployed it only stands to reason that my stress is greatly increased, and my need for constructive busyness has also increased. I have seized the opportunity that all of this change has before me, and I have made a few routine changes that are beneficial -- like going to the YMCA everyday and working out and visiting with people. I have also started a new project refinishing a very old buffet that was given to me by a dear friend. I am finding my time working on the buffet to be very therapeutic.

A dear friend had a very old and beat up buffet. I thought it was beautiful, but just needed a complete overhaul. My friend did too, but she eventually grew tired of storing it and offered it to me one day. It looked like it had survived a few tragedies, and a previous owner had glued linoleum to the top.  I started on this therapeutic journey by slowly ripping up the very top layer of the linoleum, so that I could get some solvent to the glued portion under. It was a mess, but I finally got the mess all cleaned up on the top.

I think one of the reasons behind my needing a tangible project to work on when I am stressed is because it causes me to focus on what I am doing. My brain is more quiet, my body is expending it's nervous energy, and I can pray and think. I also find that I tend to look at my concerns through a metaphorical lens. I have always been a synthetic thinker.

Working on this buffet actually helps me to remember that sometimes I feel like I have survived a few tragedies, and I have many layers of old ugliness that are still being stripped away. I am blessed to be in more capable hands than the hands my buffet will have to restore it.

I am an amateur and it is at my mercy. My God who is sanctifying me is the Master, and He will do what is beneficial, necessary and for my good. He will not leave me unfinished, and he will finish me in His time, in His way, and to His specifications.

With that reassurance in mind I can eventually put down my tools, appreciate the work I was blessed to do, and rest a little.

Last week at the dinner table, we told our three-year-old daughter she could go to the library with Daddy when she was done eating. She promptly decided she was done eating and began to slide our of her chair.

"Elsa," my husband Rob prompted her, "what do you say?"

Our desired response (and really, the one we usually get): "May I please get down?"

Elsa's actual response: "Hurry hurry hurry!"

Woops. Although I don't think I say that (out loud) very often, I do feel rushed and busy just about every day. Obviously that was enough for Elsa to learn a false sense of urgency.

I admit that I am a pretty task-oriented person. When reading the story of Mary and Martha in Luke, I always identify with Martha:

"As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, 'Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!'

'Martha, Martha,' the Lord answered, 'you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her'" (Luke 10:38-42).

This passage really used to stump me. What's so wrong about doing what needs to be done?  I thought. But lately I've been reading Joanna Weaver's Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World, which really helps me "get" it. Weaver points out that Jesus didn't rebuke Martha for fixing supper, but simply showed her that "the spiritual handicap of busyness left her unable to enjoy the intimacy of his presence."

The "one thing" Jesus referred to that Martha needed in her life was fellowship with him. The same is true for us: no matter how busy we are, no matter how many responsibilities we have with our kids, especially during deployment, we still desperately need to spend time with the One who made us, the One who really has everything under control.

But what does that look like for the busy military wife? Weaver offers these very do-able, practical tips to help keep our priorities straight during the daily grind:

1. Invite Jesus to rule and reign. Each morning before you get out of bed, invite the Lord to come take the throne of your life, to be your "one thing." Ask him for wisdom and guidance about the day ahead.

2. Ask God to reveal the next step. As you go through your day, keep asking the Lord, "What is the one thing I need to do next?" Don't let the big picture overwhelm you. Just take the next step as he reveals it--wash one dish, make one phone call, put on your jogging clothes. Then take the next step . . . and the next.

3. Have faith that what needs to get done will get done. Since you have dedicated your day to the Lord, trust that he'll show you the one thing or many things that must be done. do what you can do in the time allotted. Then trust that what wasn't accomplished was either unnecessary or is being taken care of by God.

4. Be open to the Spirit's leading. You may find your day interrupted by divine appointments. Instead of resisting the interruptions, flow with the one thing as God brings it across your path. You'll be amazed at the joy and freedom that comes from surrendering your agenda and cooperating with his (Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World, p.58).

Several other posts at www.faithdeployed.com deal with stress, overload and busyness, but this the foundation upon which they build.