ChristianMilitaryWives

A Season Of Stepping Down To Step Up
 August 17, 2010

Why is it better to obey than to sacrifice?

Lately, we have seen an influx of emails requesting prayer for military marriages to be restored. The war has played a big toll on straining marriages. Months and years at a distance from one you care for is demanding, let alone all of the other stresses that come with war. The loss of friends, questioning of life and watching as those you love who are hurting due to the side effects of combat.

I was just sitting here listening to the song, Cry Out To Jesus by Third Day.

For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on
They lost all of their faith and love
They've done all they can to make it right again
Still it's not enough

When your lonely (when you're lonely)
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus

The lyrics of this song are ring so true. When you are lonely and it feels like the world is falling on you… you just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus. How many times do you talk to friends and inform them about your marriage dilemma? It’s imperative to remember that God is your friend, He is there for you. He loves you, God delights in His children… you are Gods child. God wants to see you happy, He wants to see your marriage bloom. God should be your best friend, the one you always turn to.  Let Jesus be your best friend, He loves you unconditionally.

Instead of crying out to your friends about your marital problems… cry out to Jesus!  If you put God first in your marriage... the other things will eventually fall into place!

As Christians we are not only accountable to our spouse but to God first and foremost. Christ should be the driving force in the Christ follower's life. If this one important facet is written upon a woman's heart, mind and soul, she will not have a problem adhering to her obligations as a Christian wife.

And the Lord God said, it is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an helpmeet for him. Genesis 2:18

Scripture shows a woman how to be a good helpmeet to her husband. Even when she doesn't feel like being very helpful or loving she tries to do the best she can because she knows it is what God wants her to do. The reality is Christian women have bad days too, but are blessed with God's presence (Holy Spirit) within them for comfort.

God created Eve for Adam's companionship, helper, support and encouragement. It is not good that man should be alone. There are many ways that a wife can bring the assets of helper and that of companionship to her husband. A Christian wife "who fears the Lord" is an asset to her husband in many ways.

In what ways can a Christian wife be a good helpmeet to her husband? She is called to be a companion to her husband in all areas of the marriage, which include emotionally, mentally, spiritually and sexually.

A Wife's Emotional Support

Emotionally she encourages her husband to be the man of God that was meant for him to be. She is an asset to her husband when she supports him in his callings and endeavors in life and praises his continual efforts in the Lord. She should refrain from trying to control, browbeat or boss her husband around because that is not what God has called her to do.

The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. Proverbs 31:11

A nagging wife is worse than a dripping faucet. If a wife cannot find anything uplifting to say to her husband or about her husband she shouldn't say anything at all. A husband needs an emotionally supportive wife and vice versa, otherwise how is the oneness in marriage met?

It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and angry woman. Proverbs 21:19

A Wife's Spiritual Support

Spiritually a Christian wife connects with her Christian husband because they share in the same values and principles in life. And together they raise Godly children and have many fruits of the spirit within their marriage and family. Together they create abundance and prosperity for their lives and they realize and praise God because they know it all belongs to Him.

She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. Proverbs 31:12

She submits to her husband's spiritual leadership. A helpmeet does not argue and fuss with her husband; instead she works with Him. Most husbands will eagerly listen to the opinion of their wives when the wife does not demean him. Marriage is a partnership and a team effort that takes considerable compassion and compromise from both the husband and wife. Submission should always be voluntary, otherwise how would it be submission any other way?

Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.  Proverbs 31:23

A Wife's Sexual Support

Sexually she is there for her husband when he wants to be close. Both husband and wife have emotional, spiritual and sexual needs that should be met only through each other. God created them male and female for this reason. Eve was made from Adams flesh and bones, which symbolically make them one flesh. When a husband and wife encourage one another in their roles and positions of marriage the sexual and emotional intimacy between them will be a healthy and productive part of the marriage.

The goal for marriage should be of maintaining the oneness that united them. Sexual intimacy between a husband and wife is the kind of companionship that brings them closer together so they will not want outside of the marriage parameters. They should never reject one another unless of a woman's menstruation or if either one of them is sick.

She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.   Proverbs 31:27

On another note, women who are loved in the Lord are more apt to be respectful and devoted wives. A woman who is truly loved by her husband will utilize all of her creative talents and God given abilities that she has been blessed with; her husband will never be in need of anything.

Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.  Proverbs 31:31

by Angie Lewis 
Angie and Franks Marriage Ministry: http://www.heavenministries.com

Angie has written six Christian God-help books to encourage and support you in your marriage and health.

Michael Fletcher is my Pastor.  He's a wonderful man of God, and his wife is a great woman of faith.  I am proud to have Michael and Laura in my family life.

Using a fun and free-flowing discussion format, Michael and Laura Fletcher answer some of the most burning and pertinent questions facing married and hoped-to-be-married people today. Each message includes a series of do-at-home assignments for both married couples and single individuals.

Let's Talk About Marriage is a five week study that Michael and Laura are leading.  Last week, Part I was our focus... God Invented Marriage.

Tomorrow, I am looking forward to hearing about Effective Communication.  If you are not in the Fort Bragg area, never fear! You can watch the videos here!

I hope you are blessed by the sermons as much as my husband and I have been blessed.

PART 1: God Invented Marriage (1/10/10)
PART 2: Effective Communication (1/17/10)
PART 3: Roles In Marriage- Pt.1 (1/24/10)
PART 4: Roles In Marriage- Pt. 2 (1/31/10)
PART 5: Rated "R" for Romance (2/7/10)

I found this article encouraging, and I hope you do too.  Rarely do I find an article that I would reprint in the CMW magazine.  May God bless you as you read this article by Kim Stilwell.

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Even though we have five children, ages 11 and under, I believe that biblically my primary role in our family is to be a helpmate to my husband. Early in our marriage I would sometimes become resentful of this role and think, "What about me?" Though occasionally I still slip back into this old way of thinking, after sixteen years of marriage I find that being a helpmate to my husband has become a source of great joy instead of a chore. I find that when I follow my biblical role I have the peace and contentment that comes from being obedient to the Lord and His Word. I have also found that our marriage, and therefore our family, is stronger.

To fully understand God's Word, it helps me greatly if I am told the practical side of following God's Word. It doesn't help me much to have someone say, "Be a helpmate to your husband." I need specifics on HOW to be a helpmate to him. Here are some practical ways that I have learned through God's Word (often taught by others) over the years: 

1. Pray for him. Recently I read Susannah Wesley's biography. It said that Susannah would often throw her apron over her face. Her children would know not to bother her when they saw the apron over her face. This meant that she was praying to the Heavenly Father. One way I can be a helpmate to my husband is to pray for him. Though I have a specific time in the day to pray and read the Bible, I also often pray sentence prayers all throughout the day. Over half of these prayers are for my husband, "Lord, please give him wisdom as he leads our family," "Lord, please give him wisdom in this difficult decision he has to make," "Lord, please give him an opportunity to witness to a coworker today," "Lord, he is probably driving home about now. Please give him safety on the road" and other prayers like that all throughout the day.

2. Submit to him. The word "submission" is not popular in our culture today, but it is very biblical. We all have someone we need to submit to, and a wife is to submit to her husband. Ephesians 5:22 says, "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands as unto the Lord." I should not submit to my husband only when I agree with him but all the time. Usually I do not find it difficult to submit to my husband, because we agree on so much. We both want to follow God's Word and this leads us to nearly complete agreement on all the major issues in our life. 

However, there have been times in our marriage when I have disagreed with my husband. For the most part, I have submitted any way. Most of the time I find out that he was right, but in the few cases when I have been right, I should not have an "I told you so" attitude. In spite of being the leader in our home, husbands make mistakes, just as we do. These are learning experiences for them just as we learn from our mistakes. Being submissive to my husband does not mean that I can't respectfully express my opinion to him but once he makes a decision, even if it is not the one I suggested, I need to lovingly and respectfully submit to him. By submitting to my husband, I teach my children to submit to authority. If they hear me make snide comments about my husband or see me roll my eyes when I disagree, I am teaching them to be unsubmissive and disrespectful to authority. Is there ever a time a wife should not submit to her husband? The Bible does teach that we are to "obey God rather than man," so if a husband wants his wife to do something that goes against God's Word, such as steal or lie, that is one time that a wife should not obey her husband.

3. Love him. Titus 2:3-5 tells the older women what they are to teach the younger women. Among other things, they are to teach the younger women to "love their husbands." Loving my husband is not just a feeling (though I do have romantic feelings toward my husband) but an action. If I say I love my husband but constantly belittle him or gossip about him to my friends, then I don't really love him. If I send him a romantic card but never truly listen when he is talking to me, then I don't really love him. Love is an action and a choice, not just a feeling. 

4. Make him # 2. Our husbands should have priority in our lives. The only One who should come before him on our priority list is God. A few months ago I wrote a whole article on this, so I will not spend a lot of time on this but we should put our husband above our children (they will actually be happier and more secure as a result of their Daddy coming "first"), before our friends, before our housework and before even church ministry. 

I praise the Lord that I have a husband that makes it easy for me to be a helpmate to him. He is kind and loving and a wonderful husband and family leader. Perhaps many of you are not in the same situation that I am. My heart goes out to you and if I knew your name and situation, I would certainly pray for you. The Bible does tell us that "to whom much has been given, much more shall be required." Because I have a loving husband, God expects more of me.

Article written by: Kim Stilwell; you may reach Kim via email jkstilwell@juno.com if you have any questions about this article.

Photo: CMW dmoore and her husband (dmoore has entered our Valentines Day Photo Contest.... have you?)

Yesterday was my 5 year anniversary. It's been a rough year, sort of. My husband Cam has been deployed the majority of year, leaving me to deal with our two babies (now 24 months old and 10 months old). The babies and I have moved 4 times this year, bought a house, and lived in a barn for a month, not in that order.

But despite all that, it's actually been pretty good. My husband and I have maintained an acceptable level of communication, and we have both matured quite a bit throughout the year. I know we'll have to deal with a period of re-acclimation, but that's something to look forward to rather than fear.

5 years ago, when we got married, I didn't understand how "love" could be any better than it was right then. It just felt so good that first year or two, starting our lives together, getting chubby together. We fought ALL the time, but we were in love, so it didn't matter, we always got over it. I guess that's what the honeymoon period is for, to give us hope while we battle. It's like iron sharpening iron...we were rough and unpolished and, in order to smooth out, we clashed. I don't remember feeling miserable in this time, but looking back, I probably should've been.

The last year before Cam was deployed, things smoothed out for us. We were on our own, 800 miles from our nearest family, for the first time in our lives, and we learned to deal properly with one another. One day I remember panicking when I realized we hadn't really fought in over a month. For some reason, I assumed that maybe this was because I didn't care for him emotionally anymore. Funny huh? But in my mind, love was tumultuous, and if violent emotions, good and bad, were not foremost in my thoughts, I must not be in love. Fortunately, this was a short lived panic attack.

You see, Cam and I agreed before we got married that this was it for us. Good, bad, and ugly, we were going to work through it all. Divorce was not an option, and it would not enter our marital vocabulary, and it didn't. So when my emotions had finally evened out, instead of considering leaving him like some people do, I could for the first time be deliberate about the growth of my marriage. By that time, he was leaving for Afghanistan, so I haven't actually had much opportunity to put this new-found maturity to good use, but I'm excited about the prospect!

I feel like this is the next step in our marriage. Maybe the first real step, after actually getting married. Before, we were were just breaking off all our rough edges, now we can begin to sharpen one another.

It got me thinking about my relationship with God, too. The Bible refers to our walk with God and the gospel as a "mystery." I never really understood this before, but now I'm starting to get a glimpse of what it means. We have to go deeper, just like we have to go deeper in our marriages. The initial "honeymoon period" seems so great when you are in it, but as anyone who has been married more than a few years can tell you, if that was all there was to it, we'd be miserable and bored. The real excitement, the true love, comes from growth and maturity, a mutual respect.

Cam and I are finally to the point where we can grow and mature together, instead of just existing. I feel this is the point I'm reaching with God, too, that I can finally mature in Him and learn His mysteries, instead of just coasting. This is the point in which we "come away" with Him. This is where life, where our relationship, truly begins. This is where my life, as a wife and as a Christian, truly begins.

Are you excited about the future? I am.

    I thought I would share with you ladies a book that changed my whole perspective on marriage.  It is called ''CREATED TO BE HIS HELP MEET'' by Debi Pearl.  It influenced my life and my husband's life.
    This book reminds women that we are created to be helpers to our husbands, not the other way around.  We all have things our husbands ask us to do and we grumble about it.  Mine has always been when my husband asks me to hold his green army bag open so he can pack it.  Don't exactly know why, but I really dislike this job.  However, I realize God wants me to help and honor my husband by holding his green army bag open...so I will, and now without complaint.
   Sadly, we live in a society where husbands are expected to always do things for their wives.  What is in it for me?  My husband is supposed to fufill all my needs and wants.  Wrong! We are to be our husband's help meet, not the other way around.
   Recently My hubby and me went on a trip to the beach for his leave. We had a 4 hour drive. I decided to bring this book along and maybe read some.  Well, my hubby was interested in the book, since I had told him it had greatly influenced my life. He asked me to read it aloud.  I read the section about 3 kinds of men.  They are Mr. Command Man, Mr. Visionary, and Mr. Steady.  Many men have a combination of 2 or all 3.  When I started reading about Mr. Visionary, my husband kept laughing.  He told me he was probably 60-70%  Mr. Visionary.  My husband was happy to learn who he was, and it was helpful for me as well.  There were some things he did that I totally did not understand till I read this.  For instance, my hubby would always be gung-ho about starting a project and often leave it unfinished. I thought my husband was lazy with these projects and it really irritated me.  What I came to realize, is that the visionary will often start a project and get distracted with another one and never finish the one they started.  Wow! It changed my perspective!  He hadn't realized he had been doing this till I pointed out some specific examples. We were both floored.  It helped me be more understanding, and him to be more aware.
   This book also shares mistakes other women made in their marriages. These womens' only goal is to warn you not to make the same mistakes they made and risk pushing your husband away...maybe forever. Be prepared, you will need a box of tissues.
   The 2nd part of the book goes in depth on Titus 2.  How the older women are supposed to teach the younger women. Each chapter focuses on what kind of women we are to be.  We are to be sober, lovers of our husbands, lovers of our children, discreet,chaste, keepers at home, good, and obedient to our own husbands.
   Debi answers some tough questions from women, backing up her responses with scripture.  It  is a changing book! At times it can be hard to swallow, but if you let it change you, it will.  It will change your marriage!
   My husband was so impressed, he told me if I found some good books on marriage for men, he would read them.  My hubby has never been much of a reader.  So, I found 3 books that were recommended to me, ''MAN AFTER GOD'S OWN HEART, HUSBAND AFTER GOD'S OWN HEART, and POWER OF A PRAYING HUSBAND.  He told me he has started reading the books( over seas) and that they are actually pretty good!  Wow!  I wonder if I had never shared this book with him, if he would be reading books on being a better husband!
   The book ''CREATED TO BE HIS HELP MEET'' is a great book on becoming a godly wife. It is both helpful and convicting!  If you read it with a right heart and open mind, seriously desiring to be a better Christian wife, then God will change you and bless you with a better marriage.  You will be amazed how God will change your husband as well!
   So, I urge you to get this book!  You will not be disappointed!  It may just be a turning point in your marriage as it was in mine.

The Wives Who Wait

Twas the night before Christmas
And there all alone
I saw a young woman
Who sat by the phone

For what was she waiting
On this holiday night
Where were the stockings
Christmas tree, lights?

I saw one little tear
As it rolled down her face
And she curled up in a blanket
Then looked round the place

Something was missing
Someone not here
In her face I saw sadness
Did I also see fear?

I paused and I wondered
What could it be?
That would cause a young woman
To look so lonely

How could anyone so precious
Choose such a life?
Then I realized this woman
Was a soldiers wife.

Her gift for this Christmas
Is to hear that phone ring
“Hey baby, I miss you
Don’t worry about a thing”

Each day I thank God for the soldiers that serve
Ever willing to fight and lay down his life
But how often do I ever remember think
About the young woman who is that soldier's wife

Thank you God for these women
They are just as strong
They sacrifice daily
And without help get along

So God please protect our soldiers
On this holiday eve so late
And give an extra hug
To their wives who wait

(written by Jeannie Lining, my mom, during OEF deployment 2008)