Loss and Grief
By Claire
I
have been thinking a lot about grief and mourning
lately. It's on my mind when I am praying for my friends who
are dealing with grief, and while I am working through other
things in my life that leave me a little lost. I have had to
deal with my own serving of grief and mourning through out my
soldiers' deployments and assignments. I am realizing, now
more than ever, that grief and mourning are inevitable when
you are facing the deployment of a loved one to a war zone,
and there is certainly an amount of grief and mourning when
you are separated from your spouse even for a period of
training.
Some of it is anticipatory grief -- where you may suffer from intrusive thoughts of the "what ifs" and some times even flashes of a picture of your soldier suffering or being wounded. I have yet to meet one spouse or parent of a soldier who has either been deployed, is deployed or is ready to deploy that has not dealt with these feelings. The intensity and expression of these feelings all fall on a continuum, but they are very real and can be very disturbing, nonetheless.
Grief is the internal feeling we have when we have a loss. That loss is not always death, although that is usually the first thought that comes to our mind when we think of grieving, and mourning. The loss that is grieved can be a real or perceived loss (such as with the anticipatory grief.) With deployment there is grief over the loss of close contact. the loss of "peace" while grappling with the concepts of war, as well as the loss of the perception of safety for our loved one. When we are actively grieving we usually find ways to express this internal (and very intense feeling) outwardly. In some cultures there are very passionate ways that people release their feelings of grief -- their mourning style is very intense, immediate and more primitive than we, as Americans, tend to express our grief.
In our culture we often only acknowledge the deepest kind of grief, and that is when someone has lost a loved one. Even then we often want to hurry the process, and we want to rush the person left grieving. We have "nice" funerals, we send cards, flowers, and then a month or two later we are often trying to figure out why the person hasn't moved on yet, or even worse we have forgotten the one left in mourning. I have heard time and time again that all of the help and support comes in the first 2-4 months, and after that the mourner is often forgot about by even the most sincere of well wishers. We have a very immediate society, but somethings can not be rushed... should not be rushed, and grief and mourning is most certainly one of those things.
Mourning is the only outlet for grief. It is the only way we, as humans, have to purge our hearts of the painful realization that we have a life-loss, or someone we love very much is gone -- and in some instances is gone forever. It is incredible to me when I contemplate the process of grief. It really does drive home for me that we are truly "fearfully and wonderfully made." When we are faced with the stress of confronting a loss -- regardless of where it falls on the continuum of depth and intensity -- we actually absorb it in small doses. We have these incredible and amazing internal devices that protect us from a burden that could crush it should it fall on us all at once.
The physical and mental stress of a severe loss, such as learning of the death of a loved one, is too much for a person to absorb at once. With out the protective mechanisms in place I have no doubt that most of us would go into mental overload, or maybe suffer a serious physical ailment such as a heart attack, immediately following the information. Instead we go into shock and we linger in shock while we drift between belief and disbelief and bargaining. In this phase of grief there is a feeling of surrealism that keeps us safe from the very hard, cold and cruel reality that we are trying to integrate. This takes time, and considering what the griever is facing I would say it is a very important time in the grief and mourning process.
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross is well known as the pioneer in the study and understanding of grief, bereavement and mourning. In my social work studies I was blessed to sit under a Professor who had learned directly under her. He was a PhD in Sociology, and he taught a wonderful "Death and Dying" class in conjunction with an MSW who had worked at Hospice. Dr. Kübler-Ross broke grief down into stages, which are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. She did not assert that these stages happen in a clock-work fashion, nor did she assert that these happen like steps in that we leave one and go to the next in that exact order. These stages blur, and the time spent in each really depends on many variables such as how sudden and tragic a loss or death was, how close the person mourning was to the one who has left or passed away, and how much support the person who is grieving has as well as issue around resiliency.
We are at war, and with war comes a lot of grief for those who love the soldiers who go off to battle. That grief has left many of us in a time and period of mourning, and we are mourning, often in the presence of people who simply do not understand our grief and its expression. Sadly, too, often when they don't understand the grief they also will not know to honor it -- and some may not want to be around the mourning because it reminds them too much of their own mortality and the mortality of those they love. I can understand that. I hope that through my own professional and personal experiences that I have learned how to honor another's grief and mourning, but it is not easy. It really is our nature to be pain and stress avoidant -- we can do this through measures from hedonism to bravado.
So, today, if you know someone who is in grief and who is mourning, find a way to offer a supportive word. Don't tell them that they have been grieving long enough. Don't tell them that they need to cheer up, let go, or "get over" their pain. Instead offer them a "drink in a dry land." Listen to them, talk with them, and offer a little patience and empathy. After all, we would want the same if the tables were turned and that brother or sister sitting across from us may very well be the one we need to turn to later in life when we are facing a loss that is indescribable.
LIVE CMW Radio Show On Grief This Friday Evening
By Patti KatterGrief
Join CMW Talk Show Hostess, Claire Shackelford along with
ministry leaders Teresa Henning and Patti Katter this Friday
(June 25) evening at 9pm EST. On our show we will talk all
about grief. It's a tough topic, but we all will go through
it at one time or another. We will talk about topics such
as miscarriage, the loss of a loved one, friends and even our
military family.
CLICK HERE to check out our recorded
podcasts and information on how you can listen and chat LIVE with
other military wives this Friday evening at 9pm EST.
A Mighty Fortress
By AprilleIt’s amazing how God makes Himself known – makes His presence felt… When you go looking for Him, asking for Him to wrap you up in His arms and surround you with His peace… He’s already there. He’s been there the whole time, waiting for you to seek Him.
9“So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 10For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. (Luke 11:9-10)
7“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. (Matthew 7:7).
God does not say “seek, go over the mountain and through the woods, and then you will find…” No – He says “seek & you will find.” There is no “middle-man”, no catch, no hidden map. We will find God when we seek Him, because He is already there.
I have been earnestly seeking God – the need to feel His presence – since my heart left for the desert last night… I’ve never felt so empty & yet so full at the same time.
Obviously, I am an emotional roller-coaster – lack of sleep isn’t helping – however, I still feel peace. The second my mind begins to wander, and pulse begins to quicken, and the tears well up… God is there. Holding my hand. Wrapping His arms around me. Telling me it’s going to be okay. You see, God holds my husband’s heart. And so when Austin would hold me hand, it’s now God’s. When Austin would wrap His arms around me, it’s now God’s arms. And when Austin would tell me everything’s going to be ok, God reassures me through His Word.
The tears still fall, and the ache is still there where it will remain for the next 12 months. But Austin and I both know that God will take care of our hearts while we are apart. He has a plan for both of us, and will bring us through the fire to make us stronger, make us more like who He wants us to be. The closer we draw to Him, the closer we are to each other, and the closer we are to His heart & His will.
9 This third I will bring into the
fire;
I will refine them like silver
and test them like gold.
They will call on my name
and I will answer them;
I will say, ‘They are my people,’
and they will say, ‘The LORD is our God.’ ” (Zechariah 13:9)
6In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 8Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls. (1 Peter 1:6-8)
It is day one of this journey called deployment. There is a long, rigorous road ahead for Austin & I… but the One who made the rocks the road is made out of is our Guide. He is our horse to ride when we are weary and cannot walk anymore. He is our drink when our throats are parched. He is the hand that reaches out when we are about to fall. He is the firm foothold when the ground shakes. He is everything we need.
9But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Cor. 12:9-10)
25“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[b]?
28“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:25-34)
Living for today, remembering yesterday, and looking for tomorrow only when tomorrow comes.
I don’t focus on the “hardest day of my life” – dropping off my husband, not knowing where he will be, what he will be going through, when I will hear his voice again…. – because each day will be hard. There will be even more “hard days” ahead…. but I have peace.
6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. (Philippians 4:6-9)
The bags were packed and loaded in the car… we sat on the couch in the living room, feeling unprepared all of the sudden. The moment seems bearable until you’re in it. We immediately went upstairs and kneeled beside the bed like we have done every night, and went before the Lord in prayer. We did not speak many words – just that Austin would be protected on all sides, from physical & spiritual warfare. To be kept safe & sane, and to be prepared for what each day might bring. For the opportunities Austin will have as the only medic for his platoon, as well as the challenges he will face. And to guard our hearts & minds from the attacks of satan – to keep us both strong, not of ourselves or our own power, but through God’s alone. And to keep us close to each other.
I am so beyond grateful for & blessed by our friends & family – the unending support & love that is extending to us. I could not be doing this without you. Already, God is using you to speak to me, and encourage me. Just a short comment from dear friends does wonders.
I don’t think I’ve ever cried so much in my life – but my tears that begin from anxious thoughts, a worried mind, and a broken heart… fall with joy, peace, & comfort. Knowing that the God of the Universe who created Austin and gives him each breath is with him every step. He is planting his feet on solid ground, even when the world shakes. He is guiding his hands, healing through him, keeping him steady & even, even when the adrenaline is coursing. He is protecting his heart & mind in the midst of warfare. He is surrounding him with a Mighty Fortress.
The song, A Mighty Fortress keeps coming to me… beginning several months back, and again today through a dear friend posting a video on facebook. I did not remember the passage that this song is based off of, and went searching for it. Upon finding the verses, I remembered them vividly – the very verses that I had written on the inside of Austin’s ACU’s just days before. I will never cease to be amazed at how God loves me so much, that He will use little things in my life to remind me & encourage me.
1 God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. 2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, 3 though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. 4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. 5 God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day. 6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; he lifts his voice, the earth melts. 7 The LORD Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. (Psalm 46:1-7)
Day one. In my weakness, He is strong. A Mighty Fortress – a sacred refuge, unshakable.
1 Praise be to the LORD my Rock,
who trains my hands for war,
my fingers for battle.
2 He is my loving God and my
fortress,
my stronghold and my deliverer,
my shield, in whom I take refuge,
who subdues peoples [a] under
me. (Psalm 144)
Bible Verses for Sleepless Nights
By Jocelyn Green
Having trouble sleeping? You’re not alone!
Last month, veteran military wife Rosie Williams wrote a great
column on the subject called “Zzzzzzs
Please!” Today, I’d like to just share with you some
great Bible verses for those nights of insomnia. (You might also
check out the “Go-to Scriptures for
when you’re fearful or anxious.”) Print these out and
keep them on your nightstand.
“On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night” (Psalm 63:6).
“Arise, cry out in the night, as the watches of the night begin; pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord” (Lamentations 2:19a).
“I rise before dawn and cry for help; I have put my hope in your word. My eyes stay open through the watches of the night, that I may meditate on your promises” (Psalm 119:147-148).
“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7).
“I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety” (Psalm 4:8).
“When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet. Have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked, for the LORD will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being snared” (Proverbs 3:24-26).
“You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you” (Psalm 91:5-7).
“I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me” (Psalm 3:5)
“He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep” (Psalm 121:3-4).
“Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him” (Psalm 62:5).
“You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you” (Isaiah 26:3).
“He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD” (Psalm 112:7).
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand” (Isaiah 41:10).
“For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and
self-control” (2 Timothy 1:7).
This post first appeared at www.faithdeployed.com.
Remembering Flag Day
By Jocelyn Green
by Kathy Guzzo
After Flag Day last year, I was thinking about what the flag represents not just to Americans as a whole, but to me as an individual. Four words immediately came to mind; strength, unity, liberty (freedom) and of course hope. America’s 200 plus years are described in those four words, and we would not be the country we are if we took away even one of them.Later reflecting on those same thoughts, my mind went a different direction. I changed the focus of those four words from being what our Flag represents to our country, to seeing how those same four words represent who and what our Heavenly Father is to us, Think about it:
Strength: Psalm 46:1
“God is our
refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble.”
Unity: Romans 15:5
“May the God who
gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity
among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus.”
Liberty: 2 Corinthians 3:17
“Now the
Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is
liberty.”
Hope: Psalm 25:5
“Guide me in your
truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior and my hope is in
you all day long.”
So although as Americans and military families the hearing of these words may impact us greatly because they represent foundational ‘things’ in our country; as followers of Jesus, these words should have an even greater impact, because they are not just things, they are actions. They represent what He is and always will be: Our Strength, Our Unity, Our Liberty, and Our Hope. Just four simple words, but with God behind them, they become mighty!
Kathy Guzzo is a mom of a Marine and leader of Hope @ Home, a
group of women with loved ones in the military.
This post originally appeared at www.faithdeployed.com.
Someday my Prince will come
By BeccaNot Perfect? You Are Not Alone
By Patti KatterThrough my life I have had my ups and downs when it comes to living a Godly life. My teen years were quite challenging. I've bumped my head a few times, but have dusted myself off - bit the bullet and continued trucking on for Christ.
I have experienced Gods love, wisdom and strength and at times and still pushed God away during certain trials in my life. I know, I am not alone on this. It's not easy to write and say I've messed up several times in my life. I'm not proud of the fact that I have sinned in my life - but I am proud to say I am a sinner, saved by Gods grace. If I had to save myself from going to Hell, it would be impossible.
Is there something in your life that you need to work with? Is your relationship with God strained? I've been there. Ever get angry? Cuss? Smoke? Hurt someone? You are not alone.
I'm sure you can think of a few things in your life that you've done wrong. If you are like me, you may have a list of things to work on in your life.
While people may not forgive our sins all the time, our Lord is Holy. He loves you no matter what. Don't give up on trying to walk the Christian walk. Hang in there... keep on going!
Here are a few verses to help you remember that the Lord forgives us as we are.
Colossians 2:13-14 "When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to the cross."
1 John 1:9 "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."
Psalm 51:1 "Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions."
Hebrews 10:17 "Their sins and lawless acts I will remember no more."
Daniel 9:9 says, "The Lord our God is merciful and forgiving, even though we have rebelled against him."
Colossians 1:13-14 "For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins."
Psalm 103:12 "As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us."
Don't let feelings of, "I'm not perfect..." hold you back from asking God for forgiveness and moving forward with your relationship with Christ. God always loves us, forgives us and wants us to dust ourselves off, GET UP and keep on keeping on!
An Ode to Deployment
By Nancy SheridanDeployment, you WILL NOT get the best of me because you are not worth my best! My family deserves the best I can give them and a deployment is not a crisis, it is an opportunity to shine and GROW. So, deployment, Though you seem large and looming, though you come and go in my life, know this: you will NOT beat me down, chew me up or make me wither…I am MORE than a conqueror, and the example that I set, walking hand in hand with my God, united in spirit with my husband, will make my children want to rise up and face any challenge that comes their way with GRACE, DIGNITY and HOPE, for the strength they walk in will be the strength that walked before them.
The Great Equalizer
By Jocelyn Green
by Donna Tallman
Note from Jocelyn: This is the third devotion from Donna in a series I’m posting this week to honor the upcoming Memorial Day holiday.
Gently and quietly he clicks the door shut on his sedan so that even the breeze is unruffled. He deliberately walks toward the oldest row of graves in Section 60. His perfect posture looks military-trained, while the lines on his face mark him Vietnam era. Always focused forward, the eyes of the man in his sixties hone in on one of the markers at the far end. Finally, he reaches the right one and slowly kneels in the grass. The grieving father bows his head.
Some have said that hospital waiting rooms are the great equalizers of life – that injury and sickness recognize no social class, no ethnic divide, and no age category. All are equally at risk. Cemeteries are even more equalizing than waiting rooms. None recovers here.
The father does not tarry long at his son’s grave. He’s not really here to visit him. Instead, he has come to care for the living. While no one else dares interrupt a widow’s vigil out of respect for her grief, the father does. This tender, caring man can approach where others never should. He is a fellow sufferer, a tempest traveler…one who knows first hand the cost of war.
The father begins his rounds of visitation to the daughters he has adopted in the graveyard. He knows each one by name and checks on their welfare. Over the months they have all visited Arlington to grieve alone together; this unlikely group has grown from being intimate strangers among the tombstones, to caretakers of one another’s sorrow.
While he knows that he cannot bring his son home from Afghanistan, the father seeks to heal the history death attempts to write in each of their hearts. Rising above his own agony, he reaches out to care for those around him, and in the process, finds refuge for his own soul.
Yes, Arlington is a graveyard, a place of the dead. It is also a showcase for valor, a field of honor for America’s most courageous soldiers. And for those knit together by the Iraq and Afghanistan wars, Arlington is a place of healing from war’s ultimate sacrifice.
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3).
Prayer: When life’s raging tempest threatens to break my heart and my spirit, would you, oh Lord, step in with Your authority and restore calm to the churning waves around me? Deliver me and bind up any wounds incurred by my sojourn here on earth.
*This devotion is an excerpt from Stories of
Faith and Courage from the War in Iraq and
Afghanistan (AMG Publishers, fall 2009), which I
co-authored with Jane Hampton Cook
and John Croushorn. Order your copy from Amazon.com.
Jocelyn Green is also the author of Faith Deployed: Daily Encouragement for Military
Wives and maintains a Web site for military wives at
www.faithdeployed.com.
Yesterday's Widow
By Jocelyn Greenby Donna A. Tallman
Note from Jocelyn: This is the second devotion from Donna in a series I’m posting this week to honor the upcoming Memorial Day holiday. (Read the first devo, “Free Because of Sacrifice,” here.) This is a very powerful piece- if you would rather not read it, I understand, but consider reposting the link to help others to better grasp the sacrifices required of both military members and those who love them.
A caisson rides by and I leave to follow it to the next funeral. Just across the road a sign reads, “Section 61.” It is a massive parcel of uncultivated dirt growing only two lone trees. As I wonder why an empty lot sits nearby, the top of the Washington Monument peeks above the small rise holding its breath, waiting for my realization.
“O God, the next war!”
I steady myself as waves of grief overtake me. Before I know it, I have taken out my camera, and am taking pictures so I never forget their sacrifice. I walk by the headstones of many highly decorated service members. There is a middle-age grandmother, a Marine who loves the Boston Red Sox, a team of five soldiers, and a grave marker for a Muslim. I stop to pray for these families and weep for their loss.
The cadre of mourners attending the earlier service has mostly disappeared. In its place a non-organized yet subconsciously synchronized, convoy of mini vans arrives. A woman gets out of her van, grabs a blanket, lawn chair, and a jug of water before slamming the door. Mounted on the back of her car is a sticker that reads, “Half my heart in Heaven.” Another mini van arrives, and another. Each van carries a single woman armed with grief and memories.
Her home has betrayed her. It is no longer full of the life and hope of her husband’s return, so she escapes to Arlington to reflect. The widow comes to say the things that she cannot say at home . . . to utter aloud the unspeakable agony of her heart. Surrounded by a field of dead strangers, the widow now feels more at home in a cemetery than she does in her own house. She is tired. She is lonely. She is broken.
In the waning afternoon hours of what has become a typical day, the widow lies face down over her husband’s grave aching to hold and be held. She whispers a prayer of surrender, and asks for the strength for just one more day. Despite the challenges she knows await her, yesterday’s widow rises to conquer her own battle…the battle for her future.
“He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak” (Isaiah 40:29).
Lord, when I have expended all that I have, remind me that your resources are limitless and you eagerly desire to add your strength to my faith.
*This devotion is an excerpt from Stories of
Faith and Courage from the War in Iraq and
Afghanistan (AMG Publishers, fall 2009), which I
co-authored with Jane Hampton Cook
and John Croushorn. Order your copy from Amazon.com.
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