ChristianMilitaryWives

Isaiah 29:16

¹⁶You turn things upside down!Shall the potter be regarded as the clay,that the thing made should say of its maker,

   "He did not make me";
or the thing formed say of him who formed it,
   "He has no understanding"?

(this one is a little older, but I wanted to share it here)

I am not one who can sit still and be idle for very long. It is a good thing usually, but finding constructive and helpful things to occupy my time with can be a challenge. My day is full of active work keeping up with the house and with the kids. Quiet moments are rare, and often when I have them I am writing so I have something to keep my hands busy. I guess I have always been this way. I was the kid in class who constantly tapped a pencil or strummed her fingers across the desk.

When I am stressed I find that my need for activity greatly increases. When I am stressed about something I often work it out in my head while I am busy. I have been known to scrub my floors at midnight. It benefits me more than lying in bed. I just can't think things through as much when I am not physically involved with a task. With age I have found ways to use this to my benefit.

With my husband at Ft. Benning,  and my oldest son deployed it only stands to reason that my stress is greatly increased, and my need for constructive busyness has also increased. I have seized the opportunity that all of this change has before me, and I have made a few routine changes that are beneficial -- like going to the YMCA everyday and working out and visiting with people. I have also started a new project refinishing a very old buffet that was given to me by a dear friend. I am finding my time working on the buffet to be very therapeutic.

A dear friend had a very old and beat up buffet. I thought it was beautiful, but just needed a complete overhaul. My friend did too, but she eventually grew tired of storing it and offered it to me one day. It looked like it had survived a few tragedies, and a previous owner had glued linoleum to the top.  I started on this therapeutic journey by slowly ripping up the very top layer of the linoleum, so that I could get some solvent to the glued portion under. It was a mess, but I finally got the mess all cleaned up on the top.

I think one of the reasons behind my needing a tangible project to work on when I am stressed is because it causes me to focus on what I am doing. My brain is more quiet, my body is expending it's nervous energy, and I can pray and think. I also find that I tend to look at my concerns through a metaphorical lens. I have always been a synthetic thinker.

Working on this buffet actually helps me to remember that sometimes I feel like I have survived a few tragedies, and I have many layers of old ugliness that are still being stripped away. I am blessed to be in more capable hands than the hands my buffet will have to restore it.

I am an amateur and it is at my mercy. My God who is sanctifying me is the Master, and He will do what is beneficial, necessary and for my good. He will not leave me unfinished, and he will finish me in His time, in His way, and to His specifications.

With that reassurance in mind I can eventually put down my tools, appreciate the work I was blessed to do, and rest a little.

(I know this was on the old blog but I thought I would share it again. Written June 2009)

Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory: (1 Peter 1:8)

This verse became a precious comfort to me when I was nineteen.  I was very lonely, very single, and desperately wanting to be married. While I don’t know that my personal interpretation was exactly God’s intent when He wrote this Scripture, this verse filled me with hope. I knew that God wanted me to be married, but it seemed there were no possibilities in sight. Even though I did not know who my husband would be, I tried to focus on the fact that he was out there, somewhere, and believe in the fact that God would bring us together in His time. While I could not see him, I could begin to love him. It was this hope that gave me joy.

Now I’m a young woman married to a soldier. This verse took on a new meaning to me during this deployment. As military wives we are daily faced with the choice to love someone we cannot see, touch, and sometimes even talk to.  The only thing that can sustain us during times of separation is our faith…faith that we will be together again someday soon. And it is this faith that gives us an “unspeakable joy” that allows us to smile even when our husbands are on the other side of the world.

When I turned the calendar to June, my joy-meter skyrocketed. My husband’s return is now eminent and I have begun frenzied homecoming preparations! As I look back over the last eleven months of my life, I am somewhat disappointed. I feel like I could have done so much better than I did, accomplished more, had a better attitude, the list could go on. But one thing I have no doubt about…my faith has been strengthened. I have had a lot of low moments, probably more lows than highs, but I can remember specific times when God did fill me with unspeakable joy, and that joy was directly connected to my belief and faith.

God also gives us this verse as a reminder about the ultimate homecoming awaiting us…when our Saviour will return! Let us not forget to truly love Him even when it seems like we cannot see him.

No matter where you are in your journey as a wife of faith, whether it be just beginning a deployment, in the darkness of the unending middle of the deployment, planning for homecoming, or just living the ever difficult challenges of garrison life … I pray that this verse will be a comfort to you as it has been to me. May God fill you with unspeakable joy!

There's strong. Then there’s Army Strong. SM

Campaign Ethos Statement (Portions)
“Army strong is a unique brand of strength…. Being Army Strong is about much more than being physically fit. It is mental and emotional strength. It is the confidence to lead. It is the courage to stand up for your beliefs. It is the compassion to help others. It is the desire for lifelong learning. It is the intelligence to make the right decision. It is making a difference for yourself, your family, your community and our nation.

Army Strong is also the kind of strength that endures. It is the strength that comes from challenging training, teamwork, shared values and personal experience. A Soldier’s time in the Army may come to an end, but he or she will always be Army Strong because the lessons learned and values gained are timeless. They will serve as a springboard to life beyond the Army and will last long after physical strength fades.”

I’m not sure when it happened, or why, but at some point in my two years as an Army wife I figured that it was a requirement of the life to be “Army Strong” just like my husband. I’ve felt the constant pressure to live up to the motto. I’ve even saved graphics on my computer that say things like “Our love is Army Strong.”

This pressure was solidified by the now countless times I’ve had friends tell me things like, “Wow! You are so strong. I don’t know how you do it!” While statements like that used to make me swell with pride in knowing I was fulfilling my patriotic duty of being “Army Strong,” now I just want to respond with statements like “I’m not as strong as you think I am.”

Simply put, I’m exhausted.

Why? I mean really! What do I have to do? Um, I have no kids, no job, and only the simple responsibilities of taking care of my 1-bedroom apartment and the family finances. Oh, and my husband…that too! Living apart from my husband for the last two years has done more than just make me sad, and make me miss him. It’s exhausted me to a point where I think that the last month “Army Strong” has been replaced with “Army burnout!”

What I’m about to share with you is probably the greatest lesson that I am in the process of learning. Actually, I think it’s something I’m just barely beginning to grasp…beginning to understand. These principles are not anything that I can even honestly say that I practice on a daily basis, but they are things that God has been attempting to show me, and I hope will help you.

 1) It’s okay to be weak

I find so many times I am guilty of putting pressure upon myself that no one, not even God or my husband, has asked me to bear. The idea that I need to be “Army Strong” comes from only one person…myself. It is based in pride really…not wanting people to be able to look at me as one of those Army wives who is just barely getting by, or who cries all the time, or who “just can’t handle it.” So I put up this façade and only show people my good days. I don’t complain or tell people when I’m having a hard time. Instead those are the days I lock myself in my house with movies and ice cream, stay invisible on messenger, and don’t answer the phone or return emails.

I also seem to shut out God. I think sometimes I am convinced that even He really doesn’t understand or that He can’t really help me. I’m convinced that being strong means that I just have to get through it all on my own.

The Bible shows me just the opposite:

Exodus 3:7:  And the LORD said, I have surely seen the affliction of my people which are in Egypt, and have heard their cry by reason of their taskmasters; for I know their sorrows;

Psalm 103:13-17: Like as a father pitieth his children, so the LORD pitieth them that fear him. For he knoweth our frame; he remembereth that we are dust. As for man, his days are as grass: as a flower of the field, so he flourisheth. For the wind passeth over it, and it is gone; and the place thereof shall know it no more. But the mercy of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting upon them that fear him, and his righteousness unto children's children;

God knows our frame. He knows exactly how much we can handle, and where our weaknesses are. He doesn’t expect us to be strong all the time. In fact, He tells us that that is humanly impossible:

Isaiah 40:28-31: Hast thou not known? hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary? there is no searching of his understanding. He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall: But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Psalm 37:23-27: “The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD: and he delighteth in his way. Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the LORD upholdeth him with his hand.”

I used to think that that verse was about a good man falling into sin. But on further study I found out that the word simply means what it says “to fall.” This falling isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Rather, just an instance of weakness or lack of strength. But when such an instance occurs, that person is not “cast down” or thrown away. Rather, God uses that time to uphold the weak one with His very own hand.

It is when we are weak that God works through us and strengthens us:

1 Corinthians 12:6-10:  “And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

2)  Strength cannot be measured, nor is it determined by the difficulty level of the circumstances you are facing.

Another matter of thinking that I have found to be false is the idea that some people are “stronger” than others, or how difficult the situation I’m going through determines how strong I really am. Again this idea is solidified by the comments of well-meaning friends who could NEVER see themselves as a military wife. While I’m not saying that God doesn’t give possibly and extra measure of grace and strength to people in our situation to get through the unique struggles we face, God undoubtedly gives other people strength in other areas that I would find difficult to face. The fact that I’m a military wife doesn’t make me any stronger than the wife of a civilian. It simply forces me to channel the strength that I have, the strength that I get from God, into areas where they don’t have to.
I also find myself being both prideful and discouraged when I compare myself to other military wives, thinking that how strong I am is based on what I’m going through.

Thoughts like: “Well, her hubby is only in AIT, sheesh if she can’t handle it now just wait until she hits a deployment!” This is nothing but pride, and a reminder to have compassion, and remember what it was like for me when I was in her position!

On the flip side sometimes I feel inadequate or “not as much of an Army wife” because my husband won’t be gone for 15 months, or because he is safe because he isn’t in a combat job, or because I don’t have to juggle the responsibility of children right now. I get burdened down with guilt because I feel like it’s not fair that other people have it so much harder, and then wrong because I seem to have such a hard time with it.

God will only give to each of us what He knows we can handle with His strength:

1 Corinthians 10:13: There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.

We are also unwise to compare ourselves to others:

2 Corinthians 10:12: For we dare not make ourselves of the number, or compare ourselves with some that commend themselves: but they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise.

3) Being strong is a command of God, but one that is always connected to a reason beyond human strength…God’s unfailing presence.

This may seem contradictory to I said above…Aprille, you just said it was okay to be weak! It is, but within reason. God doesn’t want us to live defeated weak lives, especially when it is within His power to help us!

Deuteronomy 31:6: Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the LORD thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.

Joshua 1:9: Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.

1 Chronicles 28:20: ...Be strong and of good courage, and do it: fear not, nor be dismayed: for the LORD God, even my God, will be with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee...

I find it so interesting that God never says “Be strong, because I know you can do it!” or “Be strong, cuz that’s just what Army wives do!” or even “Be strong, you’ll get through this! You don’t have any other choice!”

No, He says, “Be strong, because I have the power to get you through this.”

 4) Strength comes from waiting on, depending upon, looking to the LORD for His strength.

Psalm 28:8: The LORD is their strength, and he is the saving strength of his anointed.

Isaiah 26:3-4: Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee. Trust ye in the LORD for ever: for in the LORD JEHOVAH is everlasting strength:

We are not alone:

Isaiah 41:10, 13: Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. For I the LORD thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.

It is only by relying on God that we can do anything in our lives:

John 15:4-5: “Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me. I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing.”

I had never seen this verse before last night, but I think it’s my new favorite and really captures the essence of the point I’m trying to make:

Daniel 10:19: And said, O man greatly beloved, fear not: peace be unto thee, be strong, yea, be strong. And when he had spoken unto me, I was strengthened, and said, Let my lord speak; for thou hast strengthened me.

If you find yourself fighting a losing battle with fear, crack open Micca Campbell's new book, An Untroubled Heart: Finding a Faith that is Stronger than all my Fears.  While Micca is not a military wife, she knows what she's talking about when it comes to fear: as a twenty-one-year-old mother of an infant son, her husband was killed in a tragic accident.

An Untroubled Heart surprised me. At first glance, I noticed the many personal illustrations and examples from movies we've all seen and chalked it up as an easy, light read but nothing new to chew on. But with a closer look I discovered that tucked within all the stories are powerful truths that are suddenly easy to understand. I imagine that reading Micca's book is a lot like sitting with her over a cup of coffee, hashing out together what we can do with all the burdens that weigh us down. It's easy enough to read that I can do it during those thirty sleepy minutes before I turn out my light for the night-- and yet it's deep enough to change my life, if I let it.

Here's just a snippet from the third chapter, called "Fashioned for Faith--not Fear":

"It's easy to case my cares upon God. The hard part is not taking them back. When it appears to me that God is not paying attention to my needs, worry returns, and I feel the need to do something about it. . . .When you and I cast our cares on God, we are recognizing that it's His responsibility to care for us--not ours. At first, the weight is lifted, but oftentimes God doesn't respond to our need as we think He should. Then we are quick to retrieve the burden. We forget that God is painting on a large canvas. He sees the big picture. We only see what's happening to us at the moment. God may allow events to come into our lives--good things and bad things, things that make sense and things that don't. Every one of these incidents serves as part of His plan for our lives. What you and I may think is harmful, God is using for our good--to bring us to completion in godly conduct and character. He will allos nothing to happen to us that isn't first filtered through His screen of protection. In other words, what won't destroy us, God uses to better us. Ultimate harm would be if God left us in the state we are in."

The real power of this book, I believe, is in the Bible study portion that concludes each chapter. You'll be going back to the Old and New Testament, examining how biblical characters dealt with fear and exploring your own heart with reflective questions. Great for independent or group study.

One note of caution, however: if you're like me, you might read this book, and notice that every example of a fearful situation seems to pale in comparison to the fears a military wife faces (especially during deployment). Try not to dismiss the entire book just because it's written with civilian struggles in mind, like I almost did. We can all still learn a great deal if we can get past that little voice that says, "I have more to fear than just that." The principles of overcoming fear still apply.

Micca Campbell is a national speaker with Proverbs 31 Ministries, an organization that seeks to lead women into personal relationships with Christ. She was named Mother of the Year by ParentLife magazine in 2004. She and her husband Pat live with their three children in Nashille, Tennessee.

The words "The Worried Woman's Guide to Happiness" jumped out at me yesterday from the cover of the August 2009 issue of Ladies Home Journal. Worry and fear (I'm not sure quite how to separate the two) seem to be recurring themes in virtually every military wife's life, whether her husband is in the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, Coast Guard, National Guard or Reserves.

The magazine article offers the following tips to "cure" worry:

1. Share your fears. I agree with this one--airing your fears with those in your support network is a good way to keep them in check and get some helpful feedback.
2. Keep a freak-out diary. The article says to write down what you're worried about and then what the outcome is.
3. Set up a worry-free zone. For example, tell yourself that during lunch time, you will push off all nagging worries until later in the day. Or the opposite- tell yourself that you are allowed to worry from 5 to 5:30 p.m. every day, but that's it.
4. Get the facts. If you're worried about something unknown, says the article, gather as much info as you can on it. (This is trickier for the military wife who really cannot get the facts she wants about the unknown.)
5. Visualize a happy outcome. Self-explanatory.

None of these are bad ideas, per se, but the article leaves out the number one source of comfort for the worried military wife: faith and the truths of Scripture. Let's take a quick look at what Jesus has to say about worry:

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life . . . Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? . . . Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own" (Matthew 6:25, 27, 34).

1 Peter 5:7 tells us, "Cast all your anxiety on him [Jesus] because he cares for you." I know many military wives who take comfort in Psalm 139:16: "And in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them."

National Guard wife Mary Whitlock says that when her husband was deployed to Ramadi, Iraq, her mantra became the phrase: "It's already written." She explains: “Whether they are at home or abroad, God's plan for us is already written, we cannot do anything to change it!”

In Hope for the Home Front, Navy wife Marshele Carter Waddell says:

“The number of [my husband] Mark’s days were ordained, determined before one of them came to be, regardless if he is a gunslinger or if he sits behind a desk and pushes papers. The number and quality of my days are equally in His loving control. Mark’s job is demanding and dangerous. The amount of danger he faces, however, in no way alters God’s sovereignty. In contrast, it serves to keep my will on the altar.”

When I interviewed Air Force wife Ellie Kay, author of Heroes at Home, she told me this:

"There comes  a point in every military wifes’ life when she is going to have to answer the question- Is God enough? Big enough to deal with the fear of death? Big enough to take care of her and her babies, should the unthinkable happen?

When Bob [Ellie's husband] deployed to war, the thought God planted in my heart was, No matter what happens with Bob we’re going to be OK. So the focus was not on Bob’s coming back. The focus was on God, and no matter what happens, God will take care of me and my five children.

On a practical level: the U.S. military forces are the best trained forces in the world. We need to be the best trained military wives in the world, we need to train our minds into focusing on life and not death. On truth and not lies. On courage and not fear."

A final thought for today: instead of keeping a "freak-out diary" when begin to feel anxious, as Ladies Home Journal suggests, try writing down all the ways God has provided for you instead. Praise him for who He is and what He has already done. This was a common technique for David in the psalms. For example, Psalm 13 begins with "How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?" but by the end of the chapter, he is singing a different tune: "But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me" (Psalm 13:5-6).

When your husband is deployed and you are alone at night, where do your thoughts roam? Who do you dream of? For more and more people—Christians included—the answer is someone other than their spouse. And though many extra-marital relationships do not include physical intimacy, experts agree that the emotional betrayal is at least as devastating to a marriage, if not more so.

“Emotional affair” describes a relationship with someone other than one’s spouse which involves considerable emotional intimacy. It starts out as an emotional connection--perhaps appreciation or admiration for the man who comes to fix your leaky faucet when hubby is away--and can easily grow into a deep attachment.

These affairs are spawned in the workplace, through the Internet and increasingly, at church. “It’s one of the most prevalent forms of affairs in the Church today,” says Richard Blankenship, director of the North Atlanta Center for Christian Counseling and the American Association of Certified Christian Sexual Addiction Specialists. “We’ve seen dozens and dozens of these emotional affairs. They start in the church coffee hour. Christians tend to think they are not very vulnerable—and that’s when they are vulnerable the most. It’s not a far leap from baring your soul to baring yourself physically.”

Warning signs of an emotional affair include:

• Obsessing over another person who is not your spouse
• Going out of your way to attract his/her attention
• Concealing the amount of time you spend with him/her
• Turning to him/her to meet your emotional needs
• Neglecting your own family to spend time with him/her

It may be especially tempting for a military wife to seek solace in an understanding, attentive male who lends a helping hand when she needs it the most. Many people rationalize emotional intimacy outside of marriage with the idea that if a relationship isn’t physical, it isn’t harmful. Shannon Ethridge, author of the Every Woman’s Battle books on sexual integrity, disagrees.

“The idea that it’s totally innocent is deceiving,” she says. “Wherever a woman’s heart goes, her body will long to follow. Eventually she is going to want to be physical with him; that’s how we humans are made. The more attached she becomes emotionally, the more overwhelming the urge to express that attachment sexually.”

Even if a relationship never progresses to a physical level, however, the damage to a marriage is still real. “The Bible tells us, ‘above all else, guard your heart,’ even above your body,” says Ethridge. “I can’t help but believe this refers to emotional affairs. Our hearts are so entangled it can be more destructive than a physical affair. One woman told me her husband had sex outside of their marriage, but at least there was no emotion. If he had fallen in love, it would have been more painful still.”

Marnie Ferree, licensed marriage and family therapist, directs Bethesda Workshops, a clinical faith-based treatment program for sexual addiction based in Nashville, Tennessee. Even the strictly emotional affairs are very devastating, she says. “That kind of emotional and spiritual betrayal is ultimately more painful than physical betrayal, because it’s a heart connection.” Feree is the author of No Stones: Women Redeemed from Sexual Shame.

Ferree says that the intense, dependent connection one develops in an emotional affair divides the heart, directly impacting one’s marriage. “It’s easy to set up a comparison between the mate and ‘the other man.’ The reality is that mates always come up short in comparison because of the dailyness of married life and whatever painful moments are in the married couple’s history together. Not only does this sort of comparing divide the heart, but it increases the very loneliness within a marriage that the affair was meant to relieve.”

“No man you’ve lived with for some time can measure up to the sweaty palm, butterfly feeling,” says Ethridge. “That new feeling isn’t intimacy, it’s intensity. Only when that wears off does intimacy develop.”

Emotional affairs happen for a variety of reasons. Blankenship contends that Christians may use emotional affairs as a way to toe the line of a physical affair, which is clearly forbidden. “If they just have a need to rebel, they may flirt with the sin of a sexual affair and rationalize it because it’s not crossing the flesh line,” he says. Others will do it if they feel their spouse is not meeting his or her needs.

Ethridge believes most women get involved in an emotional affair because they are attracted to the feeling it gives them. “Women can fall into emotional affairs with a wide variety of people,” she says. “Being attractive to and desired by another man feels empowering. So much of this is based on ego, vanity, insecurity. We don’t believe we are beautiful, we don’t believe who we are in Christ, so we start looking for love in all the wrong places.”

Ethridge is quick to point out that women are not justified in blaming an emotional affair on a husband’s failure to meet all emotional needs. “Women have to take responsibility for their own actions,” she adds.

The solution to ending emotional affairs is not to prohibit all friendships between non-married men and women, says Ferree. “That’s the easy way out. The harder road is to really work on your marriage relationship and honesty and vulnerability. While healthy boundaries are in order, cutting off all contact with the person you’ve had the affair with doesn’t work on the issues within your marriage.” If one doesn’t address the root problems in the marriage, says Ferree, another emotional affair is bound to happen with someone else eventually.

Now let's hear from you. As a military wife with a deployed husband, working on your marriage has some pretty big challenges. So what do you do to guard your heart from forming an attachment to another man in your life? Do you rotate which men you allow to come help with manual labor at your house? Do you make sure any Mr. Fix-It who comes to your rescue also brings his wife so the two of you can chat while he's there? And how do you foster emotional connection with your husband during deployment? How do you re-connect in that tricky post-deployment transitional time?

In a separate post about emotional affairs, we talked about women guarding their hearts against forming attachments to men other than their husbands. But did you know that as wives, we can help guard our husbands' hearts, too?

Dr. Gary and Barb Rosberg, America's Family Coaches, authored the book Guard Your Heart: Protecting the Love of Your Life as just one of many resources in their campaign to Divorce-Proof America's Marriages. The entire book is worth a read, but I'd like to just draw from one chapter today, called "Guard Your Husband's Heart." (A separate chapter is written for just for the men: "Guard Your Wife's Heart.") Speaking to wives, Barb says this:

Think about the next five years. How will your husband be more alive, more fulfilled, more content, more successful as a result of your presence in his life? What about ten years down the road? Twenty? Don't leave the answer to chance. Determine to be the woman he needs, the co-guardian of his heart and your marriage. Commit yourself to be God's woman in his life, as described in Proverbs 31: "Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is worth more than precious rubies. Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She will not hinder him but help him all her life" (vv.10-12).

Based on conversations with thousands of men across the country, Barb goes on to share the following keys to guarding your husband's heart. I'll add my own "translations for military wives" after each.

1. Help him achieve his dreams.

• Be prayerful
• Be alert to the activities that bring him joy
• Help him gain the training, skills, or degree that will equip him for fulfilling work
• Believe in him
• Encourage him

Translation for military wives: Try to be as supportive as possible about each step in his military career. Couch a complaint by finding something positive to say first. Tell him you're proud of him and his service.

2. Be alert to controlling tendencies.

Translation for military wives: Military wives typically know how to do everything around the house her husband does out of sheer necessity. She's in control when he's deployed and must be capable to handle everything. When he comes home, however, strive to relinquish some of that control back to him so he can feel like an active leader rather than a guest or bystander in the home.

3. Love him unconditionally.

Translation for military wives: When he is deployed and things are falling apart back home, don't spend all of your precious minutes on the phone with him rattling off everything that's gone wrong. Be sure you tell him you love him, you're proud of him, and you'll be waiting for him when he comes home.

4. Respect his differences. (As in, men and women are just wired differently.)

• Communicate openly with him (If you wait for him to read your mind, it'll never happen!)
• Let him feel your touch
• Understand his sexual needs
• Look your best for him

Translation for military wives: During deployments, you can't touch him physically, but you can tell him, "If I were with you right now, I'd give you a big hug!" or "I wish I could give you a massage right now or a kiss goodnight, or . . ." Take pictures of yourself looking your best and send them to your hubby on a regular basis. Write love letters.  

5. Help provide companionship. Encourage your husband's friendships and be his best friend--do activities with him he enjoys!

Translation for military wives: Military members develop strong friendships with each other. Encourage those friendships to continue even at home, especially with other strong Christian men. Be his best friend whether he's home or away- aside from God, you are most likely his North Star.

6. Recognize your powerful role. You can empower your husband to achieve his goals, let him be a leader in the home and help him relate to the kids.

Translation for military wives: It is especially important for military wives to help husbands understand how to relate to their children after each deployment. During deployments, let your husband know how each child is changing and developing. As your reunion nears, let him know what to expect from the kids. (The book Life After Deployment by Karen Pavlicin has some great advice for different aged children in this area.) Likewise, talk to your kids about their dad in such a way that they respect his leadership in the home.

7. Be committed to your husband.

Barb writes:

Your commitment of faithfulness to your husband must flow from your preeminent commitment to Jesus Christ. . . . Your husband and family tap into you for a variety of needs, and this can be exhausting. There is not enough of you to go around unless you acquire strength from outside yourself. . . Only by nurturing your own spiritual life will you have something to share with your husband.

Translation for military wives: Especially during deployments, you as a military wife can only give so much of  yourself before you are running on empty--and when that happens, you just have nothing left to give your husband, children, church, etc. Continue praying, Bible reading, going to church and leaning on your support network.

Now let's hear from you. Have you followed any of the above tips? If so, what was the result? What other advice would you offer about how to guard your husband's heart against wandering outside the marriage?

Last week at the dinner table, we told our three-year-old daughter she could go to the library with Daddy when she was done eating. She promptly decided she was done eating and began to slide our of her chair.

"Elsa," my husband Rob prompted her, "what do you say?"

Our desired response (and really, the one we usually get): "May I please get down?"

Elsa's actual response: "Hurry hurry hurry!"

Woops. Although I don't think I say that (out loud) very often, I do feel rushed and busy just about every day. Obviously that was enough for Elsa to learn a false sense of urgency.

I admit that I am a pretty task-oriented person. When reading the story of Mary and Martha in Luke, I always identify with Martha:

"As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, 'Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!'

'Martha, Martha,' the Lord answered, 'you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her'" (Luke 10:38-42).

This passage really used to stump me. What's so wrong about doing what needs to be done?  I thought. But lately I've been reading Joanna Weaver's Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World, which really helps me "get" it. Weaver points out that Jesus didn't rebuke Martha for fixing supper, but simply showed her that "the spiritual handicap of busyness left her unable to enjoy the intimacy of his presence."

The "one thing" Jesus referred to that Martha needed in her life was fellowship with him. The same is true for us: no matter how busy we are, no matter how many responsibilities we have with our kids, especially during deployment, we still desperately need to spend time with the One who made us, the One who really has everything under control.

But what does that look like for the busy military wife? Weaver offers these very do-able, practical tips to help keep our priorities straight during the daily grind:

1. Invite Jesus to rule and reign. Each morning before you get out of bed, invite the Lord to come take the throne of your life, to be your "one thing." Ask him for wisdom and guidance about the day ahead.

2. Ask God to reveal the next step. As you go through your day, keep asking the Lord, "What is the one thing I need to do next?" Don't let the big picture overwhelm you. Just take the next step as he reveals it--wash one dish, make one phone call, put on your jogging clothes. Then take the next step . . . and the next.

3. Have faith that what needs to get done will get done. Since you have dedicated your day to the Lord, trust that he'll show you the one thing or many things that must be done. do what you can do in the time allotted. Then trust that what wasn't accomplished was either unnecessary or is being taken care of by God.

4. Be open to the Spirit's leading. You may find your day interrupted by divine appointments. Instead of resisting the interruptions, flow with the one thing as God brings it across your path. You'll be amazed at the joy and freedom that comes from surrendering your agenda and cooperating with his (Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World, p.58).

Several other posts at www.faithdeployed.com deal with stress, overload and busyness, but this the foundation upon which they build.

I am an inherent worrier. I come from a long line of worriers. We worry that we worry too much. I have spent the greater half of my middle adulthood fighting back the temptation of worry. Worry, fret and anxiety can easily become a way of life, and what they leave in their path is usually not productive, helpful or healthy.

I have learned that when I feel the stress butterflies fluttering I need to take a deep breath and evaluate the situation, starting with this question: "What is the worst possible thing that could happen?" That question is then followed by "What can I do to change it?" If there is nothing in my immediate control that I can do to change the situation then I just simply have to accept the worst possible scenario and move on. Prayer is the best solution for all worries - both legitimate concerns and otherwise.

Worriers tend to get a little "hiccup" in their brain. They constantly think about and dwell on circumstances that are beyond their control, and they don't stop there. They take it to the next level with worries about what will happen if their initial fears are realized. They borrow trouble from a future event that will probably never even happen. This becomes very problematic because it often leaves the worrier unable to act in the moment due to a paralysis caused by fear -- fear of the unknown, fear of what could happen, fear of what might happen, and just plain old fear.

Since Mike's deployment and Bryan's absence in the home (both pending and immediate), I have had to really work hard to not allow myself to become overwhelmed with fear and worry. It is very hard as an inherent worrier to not let myself dwell on the possibilities of what my son is going through on the battlefield. The truth of the matter is my worries benefit neither of us a single thing. Prayer, on the other hand, has been my mainstay and keeps me going. In prayer I simply take a moment to reflect on God's nature, His power and abilities, and I thank Him for all He has done for us already. I then can ask God to keep my men strong, healthy, safe and protect them from the danger around them. The burden, for the moment, is lifted. I have given my concerns to the One who is able to handle them.

After thinking about my worry problem I started developing a "top 10" list in my head of the things that worry actually does accomplish.

Here are my picks:

10. Worry erodes away at your faith:
When we focus on our own worries and fears instead of walking in faith we become very weak. Our faith is built on trusting in the sovereignty of God and His moment by moment provisions for us. Worry is damaging to us because it is an indulgence where we allow our mind to dwell on immaterial things instead of appreciating what is actually before us. When we dwell on what is good and before us we are more mindful in praising the One who gives us our next breath.

9. Worry can cause medical problems: Worry leads to stress and anxiety. Stress and anxiety have a negative impact on our physical bodies. We are fearfully and wonderfully made creatures. Within our bodies lies a wonderful autonomic system that reacts to situations instantaneously. When we are in danger we do not have to tell our adrenal glands to produce more adrenaline. Our brain sends the signal and it happens faster than the blink of an eye. When we worry we live with a tension in our bodies and our brain perceives that tension as a possible threat. Worriers live under a perpetual "fight or flight" mode. There are many good articles in medical journals that outline this very response and the detrimental effects that stress has on the human body.

8. Worry is a great waste of time:
Worry is a great way to waste your time! Yes, the vast majority of things we worry over never come to pass. Worry accomplishes absolutely, positively nothing. I have never met a single person who could say "Gee, I worried myself well!" or "I worried myself out of financial problems!" Worry captures your mind and imagination and takes you for a wild ride. Worriers tend to day dream or focus on what may or may not happen, so much so that they may not take care of present matters at hand.

7. Worry can be addictive:
It may seem a strange thing to say that worry is addictive, but it is true. There are those who feel that the only control they have in their life is this little thing called "worry." I have had people tell me, when I worked in mental health, "I can't stop worrying no matter how hard I try!" Just like any other substance that provides a change in our body's chemistry, I believe that the feeling of being worried can be addictive. When we worry we become preoccupied, so much so that some may achieve an altered state of consciousness while they daydream about their concerns. It can be very addictive when the world of worry takes us, mentally, to a place where we feel more in control versus having to face the very real threats within our physical reality. It's a form of escapism.

6. Worry is paralyzing:
We get nothing accomplished when we are worrying. Nothing. We tend to worry about all of the possibilities while we ignore and neglect the real problems that are right in front of us. Worry can induce "analysis paralysis" where someone will sit and analyze so many angles of a particular problem that they DO nothing, whatsoever, about it! Folks with this particular problem often wind up with a great deal of stress and anxiety because they have a constant backlog of real problems that are waiting for decisions to be made. They have worried themselves into a genuine mess.

5. Worry is a master:
Worry and the worrier have a symbiotic relationship. In this particular set up we have the worrier who needs to worry, and worry that needs the worrier to need the worry! The vicious cycle is very hard to break. Until a worrier gains control over her thinking, and reels in her thoughts, then she is captive to her worry. Our thoughts should not control us. We are supposed to have command over them, and not vice-versa. Until a worrier can stop dwelling on the possibilities then she is captive to worry.

4. Worry is a form debt:
Worrying about the future can calculate up to an emotional and mental debt. We 'borrow' from a bank of potential future happenings to pay for an immediate need of feeling in control. Worry, a lot like financial debt, comes with a lot of added costs. Worry does not, can not, and will not, change what may or may not happen in the future. It will, however, borrow stress and anxiety, and deposit it into your account. All the while you will be expected to pay service changes and interest with your health and peace of mind!

3. Worry is a thief:
Worry robs us of our daily peace and our daily gratitude for what we have been given. When we worry we are being robbed of the current blessings in hand, and we are swindled and hoodwinked into thinking that we are somehow protecting today with tomorrow's concerns. Worry is a con-artist that often takes advantage of us before we even know we have been had.

2. Worry is a fantasy life:
I have already mentioned that worry is borrowing from possible future events. How do we accomplish this "borrowing?" It is done in our minds and in our imaginations. The worrier tends to think ahead of every possible situation. I would even dare say that most worriers dream ahead of even very improbable situations. They may start with a thought of a possible scenario, but before long they are worrying and being consumed with matters that will most likely never come to pass. They fantasize about all of the possible improbabilities. Instead of being rooted in reality, worry often winds up being rooted in fantasy.

1. Worry is a form of defeat:
I have a very wise friend who once told me "If you will just remember that the only control you have in this life is the way you choose to respond to the fact that you live in a crazy, unpredictable and sometimes scary world, you will be fine!" Worry is a form of defeat because worry means we have given up on what we actually can control, and we have chosen to hide our heads in the sand. Worry allows us to hide and insulate ourselves -- while fooling ourselves into thinking that we are actually "dealing" with problems. Worry accomplishes nothing. Worry is counterproductive. Worry keeps us from acting in the moment when we can and how we should, and it keeps us focused on an elusive and uncertain future.

For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:10

The weekly Bible study I hosted in my home was two hours away and my driveway was buried in snow. It needed to be cleared before people arrived.

I could just start shoveling, I told myself. But before my husband went underway, he had said, “Remember, if you need anything, the EO [engineering officer] is staying home this time. If it snows, he can plow out the driveway for you.” But I had never asked anyone for help when my husband was at sea before.

Once I finally asked the EO to plow me out, the job was done in about ten minutes. I was ashamed at myself for needing to beat back my pride and allow someone else to help me.

We are called military “dependents,” and yet we have to be extremely independent when our husbands are off serving the country. It’s fitting for us to be self-confident and competent women, ready to tackle the obstacles that crop up in our path. We wouldn’t survive otherwise! But I discovered that I was becoming overly self-reliant. In an effort to not appear “weak,” I was unwilling to humbly admit that I couldn’t do everything in my own strength. Pride was stealthily taking root in my heart.

There are times in every military wife’s life when she could use a helping hand—whether or not she wants to admit it and actually ask for it. Paul had the opposite point of view. “Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Corinthians 12:10). When we are weak, Christ can take over for and give us His strength, glorifying His name in the process.

We need to humbly invite God to enable us to live through His power (Philippians 4:13), and the way that we do that is by staying connected to Him as the vine, the source of life. “I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me, and I in him, he bears much fruit; for apart from Me you can do nothing” (John 15:5). If we were to cut ourselves off from the vine in order to prove just how independent we were, it would spell certain death for us.

We also must recognize that when we ask for help from God, he often meets our needs through the community around us. Most people are eager to help—I bet you are the same way. How often have we though, “I wish there was something I could do for that family,” but didn’t follow through because we didn’t know what to do? Nothing will happen unless you let the people around you know your specific needs. When you do ask God and your community for support, you will be amazed at the blessings that have been waiting for you!

Ask

Is my reluctance to ask for help a sign of pride in my own self-reliance?

Is there something I could be asking for help with this week?

Pray

Lord,
Forgive me if I have been trying to live life so much in my own strength that I have been denying You the chance to fill me with Yours. Remind me daily that You are the vine, I am the branch. Without You, I cannot live. Show me how you’d like to bless me through my community, and give me the humility to ask for it.

Amen.

*The above devotion is an excerpt from the book Faith Deployed: Daily Encouragement for Military Wives (Moody Publishers 2008). Visit the Faith Deployed blog and bookstore.