ChristianMilitaryWives

Captive or Captor? 
Anticipatory Grief and the Christian

One day a couple of months before Mike’s second deployment I caught myself anticipating ‘anticipatory grief!’ Those of you who have been through a deployment know exactly what I am talking about. You are standing in the shower at 6 am waking up and preparing for your day when suddenly the thought enters your mind “What if I get the call today?” You are grocery shopping in the produce aisle when a thought enters your mind about funeral arrangements.

Anticipatory grief has been defined for a while, but it is fairly new ground when helping family members understand their emotional reaction to deployment. Anticipatory grief is usually defined as a grief reaction to a loss that is anticipated but not necessarily realized. When you suffer with anticipatory grief you may have intrusive thoughts of the “what ifs” and some times even flashes of a picture of your soldier suffering or being wounded. 

I have yet to meet a spouse or parent of a soldier who has either been deployed, is deployed or is ready to deploy that has not dealt with these feelings. The feelings, intensity and expression of them all fall on a continuum, but they are real and can be disturbing, nonetheless.

Grief is the internal feeling we have when we have a loss. That loss is not always death, although that is usually the first thought that comes to our mind when we think of grief, grieving, and mourning. The loss that is grieved can be a real or perceived loss (such as with the anticipatory grief.) 

With deployment there is always grief felt over the loss of close contact, the loss of “peace” while grappling with the concepts of war, as well as the loss of the perception of safety for our loved one. When we are actively grieving we usually find ways to express this internal (and very intense feeling) outwardly. 

Some cultures are very passionate in the ways that people release their feelings of grief — their mourning style is very intense, immediate and more primitive than we, as Americans, tend to express our grief. We tend to internalize things more. It’s a cultural norm and expectation. Even in the Psalms we find expressions of grief that are quite desperate and expressive, so I don’t know how congruent our expected cultural norms are with the way we are created. 

 As a Christian I struggled with trying to figure out this concept of anticipatory grief and what my response to it should be. In Romans 12:2 I am told:

I did not want to just allow myself to succumb to this grief I was experiencing. 

Anticipatory grief is really a very intense form of worry. Let me clarify. When someone has received a terminal diagnosis and death is imminent then I would say that anticipatory grief is truly a person anticipating the imminent loss of a loved one. When the loss that is being grieved is not imminent but only possible then it seems to be, at least to me anyway, a form of intense worry -- worry that something might happen that would cause you to grieve. 

The biggest distinction between the two is for those who are dying and their loved ones, anticipatory grief allows the grieving process to start gently and they start exploring the feelings of loss before the loss occurs. For those whose loved one is in a dangerous job, anticipatory grief is more of a mental chore of tackling “maybes and possibilities” to avoid fear and the feeling of being out of control -- in a sense, worry! 

When addressing worry and grief now, at this stage in my life, I have found a ‘plumb’ contained right in the Word of God. First, I had to repent from the lack of discipline I displayed in controlling my thought life. In 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 we are told:

How do we take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ when we are busy worrying and not trusting in His sovereign and good provision moment to moment? First I had to confess my addiction to fear, and that addiction to fear came more from an immature belief in Christ’s desire to truly save me from my sin. I once was told by a very wise friend that I had confused unworthiness with worthlessness. That cleared so much up for me. In I John 4:18 we are told

I had the reverent and grateful ‘fear’ confused with the fear of an angry father who could not be pleased. 

I had to let go of my own misconceptions of who my Heavenly Father is, and I had to trust His Word and what it tells me about Him. My first step was not trusting or relying on my own understanding of God. I need the Holy Spirit and the Word to light my path, guide my steps and tell me which way to walk. Without them I am stumbling in the darkness! 

After much prayer and study I found such a wonderful and practical tool in a Scripture passage that I had read and quoted many times before this. Only the Holy Spirit can make a passage come to life and give you the ability to practically apply it in a way that is life transforming! 

The passage is Philippians 4:6-9 

This is not merely a suggestion, but rather it is a direct instruction - a directive.

And with that directive comes a promise! You will have peace and your heart and mind will be guarded by that peace in Christ Jesus if you obey! 

When you are tempted to indulge in worry and fear around all the possibilities of what could or what might happen to your soldier, airman, marine, or sailor, ask yourself these questions: Is it true? is it noble? Is it right? Is it pure? Is it lovely? Is it admirable? Is it excellent or praiseworthy? Because if you ask yourself these questions you will not be able to answer honestly and continue to worry. 

Once you put the litmus test into practice and you use it to judge your thought life, be sure you fill your thought life with things that DO pass the test. I used things in scripture and from my life that fit within the description of what we should dwell on to fill my thoughts. 

For example, along with Bible study and focus on scripture I would also think of the day I married my husband and how much I love him. That certainly fits. I would think of the day my children were born and I held them for the first time. I thought of my friends in Church, and my family members. I would think of this Country and how blessed I am to be an American and how grateful I am to those who defend our Constitution. 

I do not want to be held captive by my own fear and thought life, but rather I want to live in that freedom and victory that belongs to a child of the living God, through the saving grace of our Lord Jesus! Through Him I am the captor - not the captive!

Lately, we have seen an influx of emails requesting prayer for military marriages to be restored. The war has played a big toll on straining marriages. Months and years at a distance from one you care for is demanding, let alone all of the other stresses that come with war. The loss of friends, questioning of life and watching as those you love who are hurting due to the side effects of combat.

I was just sitting here listening to the song, Cry Out To Jesus by Third Day.

For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on
They lost all of their faith and love
They've done all they can to make it right again
Still it's not enough

When your lonely (when you're lonely)
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus

The lyrics of this song are ring so true. When you are lonely and it feels like the world is falling on you… you just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus. How many times do you talk to friends and inform them about your marriage dilemma? It’s imperative to remember that God is your friend, He is there for you. He loves you, God delights in His children… you are Gods child. God wants to see you happy, He wants to see your marriage bloom. God should be your best friend, the one you always turn to.  Let Jesus be your best friend, He loves you unconditionally.

Instead of crying out to your friends about your marital problems… cry out to Jesus!  If you put God first in your marriage... the other things will eventually fall into place!

Can We Talk? – A Movie with Racing Roots

By Dana Chaffin

 

     On June 6, 2009, Can We Talk was released on DVD.  This Christian movie explores sharing our burdens with others.  As Christians we are instructed to encourage one another.  Through the characters in this film you can see how God moves people into our path to help us.  The movie’s story is just one part of the message.  The story behind the filmmakers and the ministries that stream from that partnership make the message even stronger. 

 

The Movie

      Can We Talk is the story of a young man, Nate, who is trying to not only finish his senior year of high school, but also care for his younger sister.  With no known father and an absent mother, Nate is left to provide for the household.  The people in Nate’s community see him as nothing more than a trouble-maker, bad influence, & worthless, so he lives up to their expectations.  He has made bad choices in trying to survive and ended up in trouble with the law.  He only asks for help when pressured by losing custody of his sister.  His help comes from a stranger, Aaron who takes responsibility for Nate and tries to help him find his way.  He asks that Nate be able to do community service at the Kansas Auto Racing Museum with him.  Aaron is troubled by guilt of a tragic racing accident in his past.  He asks God to give him someone to help and that is what he got, Nate.  Aaron finds that he may be the one who gets help from Nate.  Together they overcome their troubles and become close friends.  This is a touching story of how God puts people in our lives to help us deal with tough times.  But are we listening?

 

Behind the movie

     Can We Talk is the full-length film by Covenant Films, LLC and Emmanuel Pictures.  Emmanuel Pictures is the movie ministry of Emmanuel Church in Abilene, Kansas.  The partnership of Covenant Films and the church was a joint decision between filmmaker Doug Thompson and the congregation.  They knew that this project was an adventure too big to handle alone, so approximately 60 church members joined the team.  The group was used to help with building the set, serving food, holding the team accountable, and lots of prayer.  Their goal was to honor God in the film.  The idea was an example from the Kendrick brothers and their partnership with Sherwood Baptist Church to form Sherwood Productions that produced movies Fireproof, Facing the Giants, and Flywheel.  They hope to be able to generate funds from this film to make future films.

     Doug Thompson, Covenant Film president, is no stranger to the racing scene.  He has been racing various types of stock cars since 1969.  He has raced everything from dirt track ministocks to NASCAR Goody’s Dash Series.  He has 356 feature wins and 9 track championships.  Today Doug races a dirt track modified at Whiskey Lake Raceway in Kansas, the track featured in the film.

    Doug and his wife opened the Kansas Auto Racing Museum.  The 21-acre museum complex is located in the small town of Chapman, Kansas.  The museum holds the first NASCAR and NHRA trophies.  There are lots of restored race cars from different eras, photos and more.  For more information about the museum go to: www.kansasautoracingmuseum.org.

 

    Can We Talk has a very touching message.  The DVD includes lots of extras.  It shows the behind the scenes of making the movie and the characters.  Also it contains remarkable footage at Emmanuel Church with a special service.  It tells about Doug Thompson’s racing past and how God has been involved.  The DVD can be purchased exclusively at www.canwetalkthemovie.com.

 

Dana Chaffin is a Christian freelance writer who has published many articles on faithwriters.com. Passionate about Christian film, her desire is to get the word out about Christian movies to as many people as possible Email cajd34@netzero.com

“...let us consider one another in order to stir up love and good works, not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as is the manner of some, but exhorting one another, and so much the more as you see the Day approaching.” Hebrews 10:24-25

“...exhort (encourage) one another daily...lest any of you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin.” Hebrews 13:3

Our word “church” is from the Greek ekklesia, “ek” meaning “out of” and “klesis” meaning “a calling.” It is never referred to in the Greek New Testament as a building where people meet, or a denomination; it is simply an assembly, a fellowship of the like-minded, exhorting and encouraging one another out of love. It is Biblical and correct for us to gather together to this end.

In the New Testament, the Early Church would gather and “break bread” together on a daily basis in their homes, occasionally teaching in synagogues. Soon after, the Church persecuted by the Romans met in secret, gathering in homes, tombs, or where ever they could. Many places in the world still meet like this. After the tolerance of Christianity by Constantine (313 AD), and later the establishment of it by Theodosius I as the state religion of Rome (380 AD), the idea of a temple, a “church building,” began to take shape. Throughout the Middle Ages, large basilicas and cathedrals were built, along with monasteries and smaller parish churches. So, this is the difference between a “Church,” the body of Christ or group of believers, and “church,” a building where the Church assembles.



While these two words do not mean the same thing, the truth is that the easiest way to find a Church, in most cases, is through a church. But, this is not usually as straightforward as it may seem. Denominations, politics, personalities – all of these things make finding a church difficult, not to mention personal preference in style and delivery. So what can you do to facilitate this process? Here are a few steps to guide you, which may be common sense but are better than starting from nothing.



First, actually visit churches. Many people who lament their lack of a church family do so whilst visiting them rarely or never.

Second, start with your denomination. It’s easier if you're Baptist or Lutheran, harder if you're Non-denominational; but it’s still a place to start. If you've visited all the churches that fit into your specific denomination and still haven't found a church family, expand your search to those denominations which have similar beliefs and values as your own. For instance, if you believe in pre-Tribulation rapture, don't visit a church which believes in post-Tribulation rapture. If you are a Dispensationalist, find a church that teaches Dispensationalism. Do a little research; a quick Google search will give you a denominational comparison.




If you just can't find a church family, don't assume that means you're not supposed to have Christian fellowship. There is actually more New Testament precedent for gathering in one's home or in a public place to break bread, pray, worship, and discuss God's Word. “...Whenever you come together, each of you has a psalm, has a teaching, has a tongue, has a revelation, has an interpretation. Let all things be done for edification.” (1 Corinthians 14:26). In what we call the “church” today, there is not room for everyone to bring something. In a small group, there is!

Lastly, keep an open mind. Prayerfully consider your next step. Sometimes God wants us where we can be the most useful, not the most comfortable. And sometimes what we are comfortable with or what we are used to is not the best thing. Our lives are not our own; they belong to God, and we have given ourselves to Him by choice and by love. By doing so, we have agreed to His plan for us, superseding our plans for ourselves.

Proverbs 16:9 says “A man's heart plans his way, But the Lord directs his steps.” Let the Lord direct your steps to where you are supposed to be. Which person in the Bible lived his or her life the way it was planned? Did David finish out his days a shepherd, or Daniel a simple slave in Babylon, or Peter a fisher of fish? No! What God called them to was extraordinary and impossible in their own strength. What God calls us to is equally extraordinary and equally impossible without Him.

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6

Greetings!!

I'm a US Army chaplain serving with the 1-227th ARB (Apache helicopter) battalion in Camp Taji, Iraq.  I'm with a committee of Soldiers, Airmen, Sailors, and contractors who want to have the "biggest" humanitarian event around the base. 

What is TEAM TAJI's OPERATION: Back to School?

It is Camp Taji's service project to help Iraqi schoolchildren get ready for the new school year. 

Who are we?

We are Team Taji.  Military, civilian, and contactor personnel deployed to Camp Taji, Iraq.  We are not affiliated with any organizations (military, religious or otherwise).  We are comprised of Camp Taji volunteers who would like to make a difference in the lives of local Iraqi schoolchildren.

What is our Purpose?
- Help needy Iraqi schoolchildren with "Back to School Kits"
- Show the Iraqi people that Camp Taji truly cares about them
- Demonstrate to the Iraqi children the importance of education
- Continue to enhance our relationship with the Iraqi people.

What is our Goal?
- Unite the people of Team Taji to participate in this community service project
- Make this the "Mother of All" school supply drives! Biggest in the history of OIF!
- Collect over 10,000 "Back to School Kits!"
- Distribute the school kits to needy schoolchildren in rural Iraq
- Have fun while helping the Iraqi schoolchildren and also Make History!

How You Can Get Involved?
- Talk to your unit representative to volunteer
- Through your Family Readiness (or Support) Group, have your family and friends back in the states purchase and send you the needed school supplies no later than 15 October 2009.
- All the department stores in the U.S. are having "back to school" sales right now.  The entire "kit" could be purchased under $8.00.

What Makes Up a Back To School Kit?
- ? 1 Composition Notebook ? 1 Small Box of Colored Pencils (NOT Crayons)
- ? 3  Plain Folders w/ pockets  ? 1 Package of Paper (wide rule) ? 1 Blunt Tip Scissor
- ? 1 Ruler  ?  1 small pencil sharpener  ? 1 large eraser
- ? 1  zipper pencil pouch  ? 1 dozen pencils 

- Please all put these items inside a large 2 gallon size Ziploc bag 
- Please ensure that these items do not have imprinted religious or political messages.
- We also request that all donated items be unused.

Soccer Ball Donation
- Iraqi kids love to play soccer.  We've received numerous inquiries regarding soccer ball donations.  Although the OPERATION:  Back to School drive is focused primarily on school supplies, we welcome donations of soccer balls.  If you would like to donate a soccer ball, please send a small air pump along with the deflated soccer ball and we will distribute them to the schoolchildren.
OPERATION:  Back to School Timeline
- Concept Briefings to Tenant Commanders :  Now
- Form Steering Committee, Collection Committee and Distribution Committee
- Collection Time Period:   Now - 15 October 2009

Main Point of Contact:     Chaplain Christopher Weinrich, 1-227 ARB, Christopher.Weinrich@iraq.centcom.mil

How Can Unit Commanders and Civilian Directors Assist the Project?
- Appoint a unit point of contact to represent your unit. 
- Encourage everyone to participate and to help out needy Iraqi Kids.
- Encourage personnel to get their families involved in the collection.
- Be part of the largest humanitarian project in the AOR!
- Challenge "sister" organization on number of "Back to School" kits collected.
- Provide Operation: Back to School with logistic support.
- Provide advice if you have experience w/ large scale humanitarian projects.

PDF Flyer is located here

Back to school already? My mom is right.  As you find yourself getting older... time does go by much faster.  It seems like the kids just left for summer break  and today I receive a large, bent... yellow manila folder in the mail from the school filled with back to school information.

Looking at the calendar, I was surprised that sure enough it's August and the kids return to school soon.  This means, school shopping yet again. 

Didn't I just buy the kids new book bags, folders, pencils, school shoes?

I guess not.... I guess that was months ago...

I decided to head out to the PX this morning to see if they had any good deals.  A few of the clothing items were on sale, I picked up three shirts for my youngest daughter.  All three were on sale... I managed to walk out of the PX with three new shirts, for $28  not too bad... the PX did not have school supplies on sale - besides their wooden rulers, which were only .25 cents.

We ventured over to Walmart after our time at the PX.  Walmart always has the cheapest school supplies.  .98 cent boxes of crayons and markers (Crayola), we also found a pretty good deal on paper, folders and notebooks.  The notebooks at Walmart were only .15 - yes, that's only fifteen cents!

I will be heading to consignment shops next week to check out the deals on school clothes...

Do you have any sales you would like to let others know about? Let us know by posting a comment here!